11.08.2005

Saturday's Alright For Thrifting

NOTE: This post is belated due to my inability to save as I go. It should have been up Sunday. you have my apolo-...oh who am I kidding? Kim, enjoy.


What a weekend. Saturday morning, try as I might, I could not sleep past 8AM. So I made the most of it. Actually I made an omelet. A little Colby jack cheese…a little essence of Emeril (behave), some ham and some ground pepper and I had me a kick-ass omelet.

Spent most of the morning blowing leaves. Somewhere along the way I kinda got lost in the zone. I got caught up in how the leaves moved and how the wind currents affected them. It was a little surreal. So I got the idea of filming it.

I bungeed the TargetCam to the leafblower and got probably 20 minutes of video. I’ll be throwing a little video clip on the site before too long.

Leafblowing was pretty much the order of business today. I also stopped over to our neighbor’s garage. They are moving to a condo in 2 weeks (and therefore had some stuff they didn’t want to move). I walked out of there with a mower, an edger, a 20Ft. Extension Ladder, a snow-blower, and a hose reel. It was like Christmas. Only I had to pay for my own gifts. But I got a GREAT deal--at a fraction of what any of them would cost new. Bargain king strikes again. The mower kicked ass. I tried it out on the front yard this evening. Unfortunately, the mound of leaves in back out numbered the leaf bags we had in the garage.

After all that we headed to Bob Evan’s….slow roasted turkey…mmmm (it's like a little mini-Thanksgiving every time we go!)

We made a quick detour to the Home Depot for a couple of items that were on their website (but nowhere to be found in the actual store). Not wanting to go home empty handed, we headed to the thrift store for a little pick me up...or picture me up, as the case may be (and was).

Little did I know we’d also find comedy gold.

No sense delaying the inevitable...


Now, I’m told that this could be a useful tool if one was older and couldn’t operate a regular pair of skizzers, but all I could think of when I saw it was…”WTF?? Battery operated scissors?? How lazy do you have to be?” So to me, it’s funny.




After my busy day of cutting coupons with my battery operated scissors, I might want a cookie. After seeing this cookie jar, however, I would have to seriously rethink EVER eating a cookie again.




No cookies. OK, then, I guess I’ll have a sandwich. A FINGER sandwich. That’s what it would be after spending $89.99 on this industrial meat slicer. Was this behind the counter? Nope. It was out in the open. BY THE TOYS!!! How could they even think of selling this without the obligatory metal/mesh glove? I smell a lawsuit.



After almost eating a Rutger Hauer sandwich, I’d definitely want to ride off into the sunset. Luckily, there was a veritable stable for me to choose from. I can truly be the rocking horse winner.




Somewhere in the 70’s, there’s a basement with nothing for people to sit on.



Speaking of the 70’s..all I wanted to do in the 70’s was join the Rebel Alliance. But I would have seriously gone to the dark side if K-Mart carried this.

No wonder the rebels got their asses kicked in Empire Strikes Back.



From failed galactic fashion, we head over to porcelain alley.

Now, I’m not sure what kind of medicine this “doctor” practices, but it definitely looks suspect.


And this is just wrong. Is he sniffing the baby’s ass?



Gorbachev as a geisha:




Remember in Empire, where C3PO was shot by the storm troopers in the cloud city ("Let Lando's people take care of it")? His hands wound up here. You can’t see it, but there’s two. And their design makes them totally worthless as bookends. Looks like 3-PO got screwed again.



Martha Stewart as Mrs. Psycho Claus.



The room where bad Christmas figurines go to die.



Or to do themselves in by splattering their blue brain matter all over the shelves.



This is what an Ashlee Simpson album would look like on 8-track. That's two things in one sentence that nobody should play anymore. Ever.




Party on Wayne. Party on Garth.

The soundtrack to this movie on Cassette? Somehow it just seems so right.



Long before Viagra, hep cats had to rely on Album Art to get the job done.

This album was part of a series by RCA where they tried to recreate (tastefully) all the positions in the KamaSutra. This was the "My goodness Sasha, that's a big adam's apple you have."


But sir, why do you need a photo album for a digital photo.

See. They're digital. You store them on something from this century. Like a computer or iPod Photo. Paper's so 1983.


Video killed the radio star. Or in this case, photography killed the complete unknown.



Dude. It’s a law. Mantovani albums can exist only on vinyl. This CD caused a ripple in time, somewhere, and it’s just not right. People will die. Someone’s gonna get hurt. Mantovani=vinyl. Period.




You know what would look good in the kitchen? How about a bag of fake pantyhose potatoes in a basket wrapped in cellophane? Yeah!! We’ll put it right next to the wax fruit. Fake food does not belong in the kitchen. And to be truthful, it belongs nowhere in my house. If it looks like food, somebody better be able to eat it.




Any thriftstore that sells LP’s (that’s what songs used to be delivered to people on before the internet (and get this shit...once you bought an Album to play, the record company couldn't tell you when and where you could play it)), MUST have at least one copy of one of Lionel Richie’s albums. Can’t Slow Down is the generally accepted title, but this one will do just fine.



Big Hits Dance Party? Dude!It’s a DUCK! I need to find out what party this album would be a hit at and stay the heck away.

Or dust off my copy of Disco Duck and really tear shit up.


Not happy to be paired up with Gordon (she preferred Mr. Hooper), Susan broke out on her own, but she found that she couldn’t be taken seriously without attaching herself to a show with puppets and kids. Dammit, the frog was right.



My only hope is that some retired arts and crafts teacher sees this post and helps return this shell chest to its rightful home.





And now we begin our segment entitiled
DUDE! STOP! You Have No Idea Where That's Been!!


Underwear is always a dicey subject. And not something that I'd really ever consider purchasing after someone's wiggled their nether regions in them. But apparently there's a demand.
Otherwise, would they need a whole aisle?



Underskivvies are one thing...but dude...a THONG? No. Used butt-floss is definitely a no-no. And would someone mind telling me what the heck this pair was doing in the book aisle??



No. No. No. No. Seriously. Put it back. I swear this is gonna end up on that damn Interventions show.


These were right by the checkout. There was a patron that said (I couldn't make this up) "Oh. Darn. I wish I had seen these last week. I could have gone as a Halloweenie" What does that even mean?



OK. Let me break it down. An eye cup (other than being a fun word game...(I see you pee) is generally used to wash something bad out of your eye. Do you really want to take the chance that whatever this one washed out might still be lingering about?


I don't think I need to explain why you shouldn't buy this second-hand.




OK...that concludes our segment that was:
DUDE! STOP! You Have No Idea Where That's Been!!




And now back to our regular program.


Do you know what bummed me out about this? There was only one and it wasn't in my size. How can you go wrong? It's a bowling shoe...on skates!!




Remember how some right wing radicals were saying that the hurricanes were God's will? Turns out they might have been right.
Seems the Promise Keepers have known about this since their 2001 conference.

Is that a picture of New Orleans' skyline?


F***ers. They knew the storm was coming and they didn't tell anyone? What book of the bible is that in, U'rallscrewd'ticus?


Let's see. What was I doing in 2004 instead of going to the Rod Stewart concert? Oh yeah-ANYTHING!!



I'm not sure what made this a showcase item. And I couldn't bring myself to press the button. Mainly because I didn't want to have to pay for the stupid thing after I wizzed it across the store.



In case you want to advertise your sexual harrassment.



But Officer, it really IS Oregano!!



All bummed out because you can't get the latest O.C. or gay pirate costume? No worries. For a mere thirty cents you can go as Mister Manson-one of the scariest mofo's on the planet!



Reporters still aren't sure how the burgulars knew which jacket was k.d.'s favorite.



Nothing I like more than flipping my meat with the stars and bars. I'm sure the soldiers at Iwo Jima would be proud.



Awww man. You broke the world!



Would someone tell me how the heck this wound up in the Better Men's t-Shirts. Better for whom?



What the F--- is Canadian Steak?? No, really. I want to know. Do the cows go around saying "moo, eh?"



I just had to have this:

And I think you know why.


Again in the Men's Shirts. Seriously, if I ever saw another dude wearing this, I would back away from him slowly, because Juan Valdezes in full body swimwear frighten me....almost as much as clowns.



I can only hope that this tastes like the Snyders of Hanover Bar B Q potato chips (you know the ones...brown bag, pot over the fire, coated in the same day-glo powder that's in the Kraft Macaroni "cheese" packet). Alas I was too much of a wuss to try it so I'll never know.





Nothing says "Y'all Come Back" like the creepy Cabbage Patch Kid knock-off in a real diaper, tossed in a shopping cart by the door. You can't tell from the picture, but this thing looked creepy as hell in person.



If only this had fit....the Def Leppard jokes would have been endless.




And so, that about wraps it up. Don't be sad. I'm drawn to the thriftstore like a moth to a Mets game. I'll be back. And so far, no one's given me shit for the photo-taking. The trick is to go when there's a thunder storm. That way they think it's just thunder..er lightning, that is. Back by the albums. Near no windows whatsoever.

6 comments:

Brad Burleson said...

Dude, you are too funny! Great blog.

Todd S. said...

Thanks! I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

Kim said...

Man, thrifting here blows. It's just no fair.

BTW, if you wear that Branson shirt around my mom, she'll snatch it off your back. She loves that place.

Todd S. said...

duly noted (re:your mom).

~ruthie said...

that was great--is it just me, or do all thrift stores look the same? because I swear i've been there before. :)

Todd S. said...

thanks!
I think they all subscribe to the "we have to make it look better than a garage sale" school of store design.

Of course after 1/2 Wednesday-it's trashed.

Interview with Vee Gregory

Hello and greetings my friends! As some of you know, I'm an author. It's not my full time job yet, but it is definitely a full time...