11.12.2005

Spam-A-Lot

It's no secret that I hate SPAM (not the meat by-product, I rather fancy that). No. I hate Internet SPAM. That detritus that eminates from God knows where and finds its way into my in-box. I have changed email addresses more times than I care to count to try to thwart the onslaught, but the bastards keep finding me. Some email programs are better than others at catching the crap. But some stuff still manages to eek through.

My main question to the spammers is..."Does anyone really respond to this??"

I received one today that had the subject line:
"you really think your gonna get a good job without an educational certificate?"

Hmmm. Let me think. Should I click on this or not? First off is the intent. Is it a Job-site, an online degree (or educational certificate) program or some ruse to grow some part of my anatomy by several inches (I could use a longer spleen, I think).

I'm going to have to rule out online degree program straight off. They would have said DEGREE -not "online certificate." And they would have contracted YOU ARE to the generally accepted "YOU'RE" and not the possessive "YOUR" which really doesn't apply at all in the sentence (how can 'MY gonna get a good job' possibly do anything for me?) .

And I'm guessing that an online degree program (or educational certificates, as I've grown fond of calling them) would have started a sentence with some kind of asking word (I forget what those are called just now). Therefore the question could have looked something like this (along with some possible answers):

"HOW you really think your gonna get a good job without an educational certificate?"
Hmm. Lemme think. I think guess I didn't think it through, I better open this email to find out.

"WHEN you really think your gonna get a good job without an educational certificate?"
Ummm. I used to think this in college...when I was blitzed and forgot I had a Saturday class.

"WHO you really think your gonna get a good job without an educational certificate?"
This is a trick question. Any time I hear the words "who", "you", "gonna" in the same question, it doesn't matter what the rest of the question is, my answer is always "Ghostbusters." This has made for some very interesting reviews at work.

"WHY you really think your gonna get a good job without an educational certificate?"
I never thought that, actually. That's why I do, in fact, have an educational certificate (2, if you count my high school diploma).

"WHAT you really think your gonna get a good job without an educational certificate?"
Well, I used to think that (see "WHEN")

"WHERE you really think your gonna get a good job without an educational certificate?"
This is quite possibly the only valid question of the lot. I figure that the answer to this is probably any of the 1000's of "McJobs" there are out there. So, if I know the answer, no need to open the email.

OK. So it's not an online degree program. That leaves spleen enlarger or job hunting services.

Let me just say...I cannot think of any reason to take job advice from someone who (A)can't form a proper question, and (B)has a geocities web address (OK, I peeked).

This leaves only spleen enlargement. And since I kind of slept through Biology, I have no idea what my spleen even does or why I would need it 3 inches larger.

I guess I'll just have to delete this email for now.


Oh SPAM...I barely knew ye.

MMMMM. Speaking of SPAM, I'm getting hungry. Time to go make a sandwich, yo.

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