2.17.2006

Whole Lotta Big Lots Goin' On

I know I said I was going to the thrift store Wednesday...but I didn't make it. By the time the workday ended, I was done. Stick a fork in me kinda done. So I went home. But not to disappoint, I did get some choice images at our local Big Lots store this evening.


Q: How do you know when your music career is on the decline?

A: Your 'signature' spice is at Big Lots. And on sale for $1.



I can't even begin to imagine what the marketing tie-in for this product could possibly be.
"Hey Kids-get your totally synthetic fruit globs here! It's what all the wanna be poplettes are eating when they're not busy scowling at Simon!!"

I didn't think about taking any pictures in Big Lots until our trip was half done, but I did stumble across the cereal aisle where I was confronted by the Cap'n.


In all of his stupid- re-mix-rehash-same-three-pieces-and-two-flavors-in-a-new box glory.

Now it could just be the Day Quil talking here, but there used to only be 3 varieties of Cap'N Crunch, right? (Original, Peanut Butter Crunch and Crunch Berries). My first choice was Crunch Berries (it gives you the best of both worlds and very choice for snacking straight out of the box).

Then came "Oooops, Berries." Which was Cap'N Crunch Crunch Berries w/o the Cap'N Crunch. Even that I didn't mind so much.

But Swirled Berries??? Do we really need to put Crunch Berries in another box??

And these MagicColor Berries are a total rip-off. Moms, if your kids want this cereal, buy them good 'ole Crunch Berries. It still makes the milk turn funky colors!! And seriously, who cares what color the berries turn? If you let it sit long enough for the berries to change, you're losing out on the whole crunch part of Cap'N Crunch. Get Crunch Berries. Tell your kids to stop whining. It's the same freakin' cereal. Just put in a new box with a pervier looking Cap'N.

Lame.

Which brings us to the Breakfast of Serial Killers:

No, really. That boy could NOT look creepier if he tried. I've never seen any baby pictures of attorney-hunter Dick Cheney, but I'm gonna put money that they look a LOT like this.

Which explains quite a bit actually.


And then we stumble upon one of my greatest Chip Disappointments of all time. There is no good Pizza Flavored potato chip (trust me I've looked). It has such great potential. Think about it...it's like having a pizza on your chip, man! But alas....they all suck.

Probably this one most of all (and solely because of 'end-consonant' abuse).

Two more guilty of the crime include:



and:

Myntz! gets the triple whammy! (1) for superfluous I-to-Y conversion; (2) for flagrant end-consonant abuse and (3)irresponsible use of punctuation.

No wonder they were sentenced to Big Lots. It's like the Shawshank of consumables.

Of course, no trip would be complete without at least one "WTF?" moment.

Lucky you, our cameras were there. This is one of those Highlights For Children games....click on the picture to open the image larger and play along at home.

What's Wrong With This Picture?



1. Remember the has-been question at the top of the post? Same thing applies here.

2. Kathy Lee (that's one main thing that's seriously wrong).

3. Use of "cafe" with a clearly western motif. It needs to be " Rockin' Tots Jukejoint" or " Rockin' Tots Honkey Tonk." Calling it a cafe makes me think that Kathy Lee should be in a beret, dressed like a mime and looking all snooty.

4. The 80's skin-flick make-up job....ON THE CARTOON BEAR!! C'Mon. Do we really need the cartoon to look like a skank? Isn't one of those on the cover enough? And look how the jukebox is leering at her (ok...there were a ton of things wrong with that last sentence). Creepy.

5.The other bear on the cover looks plastered (of course, I would be too if I had to do a video with Kathy Lee--and he's only a cartoon bear!!).


And lastly...

6. The horse shoes on Miss Lee's vest. Is that just me, or does it look like there's a little something extra on the left one? If you are going to try to pull off horse shoes on vests, positioning is the crucial difference between cutesy and skank-ho. Clearly Kathy missed the mark and rode the bad-taste express all the way to Skankadonia.

And that dear reader(s) is all I have for you this evening. I'm going to hit the sack early, chug a shot of Ny-Quil and try hard not to dream about pervie juke boxes and Kathy Lee.

2 comments:

Darrin said...

I tried the Willy Wonka Donutz. They are not very good.

In addition, the kid on the Farina box looks like Scott Bloom who was in the movie The Stuff. Not Brian Bloom, Scott Bloom. ( http://movieboy.angeltowns.net/scoblo09.jpg ) If you've seen the movie (which most likely you haven't, but in case you have), then you see the creepy similarities.

And yeah, I chuckled when I saw the American Idol fruit snacks.

BTW, how did I miss the cajon spice? I'm a sucker for the spice aisle (<- it's hard to type that word for obvious reasons).

Todd S. said...

Strangely enough, i think I did see The Stuff on HBO at one time or another. And yes, that's creepy.

Don't know how you missed the Cajun in the Spice Ailes :-) Only think i can think of is you had your Country Singer blinders on and blew right by it.

Lights, Camera...Wait...You're Fogging Up the Lens. Dammit Heath!

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