1.31.2007

When Is a Thrift Like Not a Thrift

Those of you that regularly peruse the HPT know that the last Wednesday of every month is 1/2 off day at the local thriftMecca. Astute readers will observe that that was yesterday. As such, the probability is high that I will have gone in there with my trusty camera and snapped off a few (what I consider to be) hilarious pix along with my witty observations about said pix.

And that was truly my intent. But when the Lord takes away a thrift, He opens a bargain.

Last night the missus says to me (in my response to asking if we were going thrifting), "I was thinking we'd hit Panera and then the Half Price Books...someone at work said it was open."

Well folks, this is great news. See, we just got a Panera in our sleepy little town...and right next to it they are opening a brand spanking new Half Price Books. So, even I could forgo the thrift to hit that up.

Alas, after munching 1/2 of my chicken dijon thingie ma bob and enduring more like likes in one like 15 minute period by like two sorority like sisters, we headed next door only to find it closed. It had been a clever ruse. They were "technically" open in the sense that they let you come in and look around during the day, but they weren't officially open until Feb 15th. Such the pity. But...I looked in the storefront and saw a good sign...the vinyl was up very near the front and the first album I saw was Boston's first (and greatest) album. Only 14 more days to go!!

So, thinking that the evening was going to be a bust, thriftpix-wise, we headed down to our local Dealz (where everything is $1 unless otherwise marked). And ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you...the shit that was there made the thrift store look a bit tarnished in my eyes (it was temporary and I'm much better now, but I think you'll see what I mean).

First off, who doesn't like to get rewards? There was a whole ribbon carrousel. Here's a few of my faves...


Then we headed over to the toy area. Now this is just false advertising. It clearly says 'Black Knight,' but there is nothing on here that is black.

It's the new Peter Jackson action figure (after he lost all the weight). Also doubles as the Stephen King action figure.

And then rounding the next corner, I hit what had to be the scariest porcelain hell I have ever seen. We're talking all 7 circles of Dante's Porcelain Hell.

Starting with the porcelain figurines with hair. WTF?


Here we have the drunk angel pissing in street during a rainstorm figurine.

It's a whole army of them!! I don't even know what THEY are...but they creep me out!

Here we have a piece from the "Early American Serial Killer Childhood Home" collection.

I AM the CHAMPION of the creepy pervy guy next door competition! Now where's that drunk pissing angel?

Flip a coin on this one, folks. I can't decide which one is creepier. The soulless chickens or demonic organ-grinding monkeys.

This one does nothing to dissuade my intense hatred of clowns.

Oh sure, they look happy and friendly now. But who do you think they're going to turn on once those baskets are empty and they're out of fish?


The many faces of Paul Newman. As Jimmy Stewart (with bullet belt slung over shoulder)...as pipe-smoking Juan Valdez (with bullet belt slung over shoulder) and as soulless ventriloquist dummy from the Twilight Zone (with bullet belt slung over shoulder).

A long shot of the shelf. There's like 3 weeks worth of normal thrift porcelain shite...on one shelf!!

And then...in the middle of it all....The Tie Shape Bottle Opener.

Again...you pick which is scarier. There's probably some reference to Black History Month I could make here, but I was more mesmerized by the bear in the big blue box.

After pulling out the plum, Little Jack Horner had no idea what to do next.

What is up with the duck with holes?

(Insert your own WTF here)

more gunshot wound animals!

Tee hee. When I saw this the first thing I thought of was Karen Walker's fake name, Anastasia Beaverhausen. It wasn't until later that I saw the name of the boat. So...if you were a diver from that boat....what would that make you?

$5?? Are you kidding me?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Yes. I have often thought that the high point of bedroom fashion was the neutral shit brown hospital blanket. Aces!

This is funny to me. Not that it's here, at the $1 store...but the fact that at some point in time, someone thought this was a good idea.
Do you really want to take your financial advice from software sitting in the cut-out bin?

Ditto for starting your own business. You put this one in and a screen comes up that says "Sell your own finance and investing CDs for $1."

Easy to light up. heh. heh. huh. heh. That was pretty cool.

Room decor for future deranged psychopaths.

I got nothing here. Soup bowls. Panties. I'm not sure I see the logic.

A short course on human relations...people reading these signs in your office will grow to loathe you.

Smells just like the real thing! Only a $1. What a Deal(z)!!!

1985 called, they want their socks back (thanks to Nancy for that one).

Chaotic molding . Ummmm. Huh?

Why would the one that 'smells just like J-Lo' NOT have a picture of a booty? Or hell, even someone with hispanic looking features?

NOT to be confused with that other stuff. That's just silly.

Oooop. I lied. Here's a special circle of porcelain hell reserved for tacky Easter warez.

Um. Hello. The 70's called. They want their toothpaste back.

This would have been sooooo much funnier if it had been labeled as an 'analgesic.'

Bargain mayo. Mmmmm. Sign me up.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

MMMMMMMM!

And a twist on the Zebra cake. Little known fact-almost ALL of the holiday variety cakes are based on yer basic LD Zebra Cake.

And now the parade of $1 hot sauces (I'm looking at you, here, D.)

MMMM.

Kajun. With a K? Okie dokie. The garlic is prolly good on wings.

Alright. I wasn't aware that the Chinese were known for their Chili making prowess.

Nothing special about mac and cheese. Unless the box looks like slimy alien pod people embryos, that is.

Mark my words....this is already a past time somewhere. I've seen a few baggers at grocery stores. Duuuude.

You know what's missing from most cookies these days? That's right. Sugar. Well, fret no more. Now you can have Gummy Cookies!!

This just made me laugh. Yes I still laugh at d**k and fart jokes, too.

And now, don't blame me for this one...Nancy found this!

SUPER Gummie Heroes!!

Actually, they're all melted together in one big blob. Mmmmmmm.

This was funny to me. It's a tube of pure sugary goodness, BUT..there are NO Refined Sugars. Just them uncouth sugars.

Specifically designed for a better bite? It's a ball. What design??

Movie tie-in candy is nothing new, but, um....when did Pirates come out?

Caramel must be stopped. It is trying to work its way in to too many of the classic candy staples. Now Caramel in and of itself is not bad (in fact it's rather tastey)...but it just confuses things when it's mixed in with other stuff.

Did I mention that the Dealz has a frozen section? Indeed. You know your premium cable now being rebroadcast on basic cable series is a smash hit when (a) it has its own frozen dessert and (b)when said dessert has the network logo on the box.

Viva Pinata!
And that was it for Dealz. We had to head out of there. On the way home we stopped at our local Marc's. For those of you outside of Ohio that may not have a Marc's. It's kind of like BigLots meets IGA.

Damn Peeps. They're everywhere. The beauty of peeps used to be that you could only get them on Easter. Now it seems you can get them every month. I'm still waiting on the Flag Day Peeps.




Ok. I will admit that I'm a geek. I will further confirm that by also admitting that I prefer the Marvel universe to the D.C. universe. But THIS is too much. Seriously. The Incredible Hulk doesn't need a hug. He needs to smash Spider Man. They hated each other!
I'll fill your bag pipes with...(say it with me)...

Alright. This was nasty. And as nasty as it looks, the actual sound it made when you squished the ball was enough to make my chicken dijon sandwich do a little jig in my duodenum. Don't believe me? Hear (and see) it for yourself in a HPT exclusive Video Clip.

I am the Fog Commander!! (lame, yes, but YOU didn't see the pose I just made as I jumped in the room declaring it).

There are a couple of really off-color jokes that I could make here. I'll just let you fill this one in.

Oh mighty Underoos, how you have fallen. Where's the t-shirt? Where's the underwear that's fun to wear? The force is strong....in my pants

Come....join us. Sleep...

Apperntly they do make porcelain figures of pissed off single yuppies with bad fashion sense! Who knew?

Oh lookie...a whole gaggle of them! I think I saw this on a Lifestyles Condominiums commercial once.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! OK. Let me catch my breath....AAAHHHHHHHHHH!


Phyllis Diller in a box!

Throwing an 80's revival party with guests of varied seshual orientations? We have the gear for you!

There's enough candles here to turn any straight guy into an expert on Will and Grace. Speaking of that, did you see the episode where Jack is working at the Banana Republic...er..um. Woohoo!!! Go Colts!


This is quite possibly the most retarded name for a stroller....ever. Period.



Um. OK. this is just wrong. Let me count the ways. First off, this is Buckeye Country. Get that Miami Hurricanes shit out of here. I'd like to take you back to 2002 when we BEAT the hurricanes, mmmkay. Secondly...this is from 2003.....who cares? Does anyone even know who they played in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl (without googling it??)? That's what I thought. Get that shit out of here.


Next up on the rack, we have this loverly work shirt from the fine Stop and Shop company.

Who apparently hires insanely morbidly obese people! WTF? 8XL. I had no idea they made such things. I could fit the whole family in this and probably still have room for the dog.

Oh..well that explains it. It's a sad sad day, when even on 1/2 price day, the Thrift Store gets trumped by a grocery store.


Unless you're like me and you just can't get enough of that Space Jam merch! Sweet!

Umm. I got nothin'.

If you dressed yourself on the $15 allowance that your mom gave you to shop at Kmart...have I got a deal for you.

Isn't she.....pretty in pink...


As I rounded the corner, I was struck by a vision of pure beauty. I could swear I heard angels singing.

But Todd, you say, it's just beer. First of all, we'll get to the 'just beer' part later, heathen. Secondly..you don't understand!! Westerville is the town that started the whole damn temperance movement. It has been dry for 150 years. Carrie Nation...the chick that smashed saloons...yup. From Westerville. And the 18th Amendment...the one that enacted Prohibition. Yup. Signed here. So....this is HUGE. Besides, it's beer. And beer is good. You know why God rested on the 7th day? Because all the angels took him out and got him plastered on the 6th night. You think you get blasted when you get a promotion or have a birthday? Try creating the Universe....that sh*t deserves a REAL PARTY!

And...the above pic makes a tastey desktop background. Just click on it, then in the resulting pic, right click, Set as Desktop Background. Go ahead. I'll wait.



There, now on to some weirdness. Gourmet Pringles. Yeah, I'll let that sink in for a second. Pringles...the chips that are made using largely the same process used to make paper (only with potatoes instead of trees).



Sometimes I don't have to write anything at all.


Generally when I'm shopping in a grocery store, I like my food fit for human consumption.

Did I mention I have yet to outgrow d**k and fart jokes? Well, I haven't. The first season of Beavis and Butthead still crack me up. Heheheh. He said crack.

Hey...everybody! I think I know why he's Lost. It's from drinkin' all that damn wine!


And with that, I take my leave and bid you all good evening. I will try to get another thrift post in a little sooner than the end of the month.


Peace out.

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