Got this email yesterday:
Dan M----- passed away this weekend. The cause is yet to be determined. They are currently doing an autopsy. The services are Wednesday at St. ----'s Catholic church in W---ville at 6pm.
Now it's been a long time since I've even talked to Dan. If I saw him in a crowded room, I would probably recognize his face...as someone I once knew, but it might really tax my memory banks to tell ya his name.
To say I don't 'care' that Dan passed away isn't accurate (And it's more callous than I care to be). It's just that I really don't have any emotions about it one way or another. I haven't been in touch with Dan in nearly 10 years. We were part of a self-help/enlightenment/personal-growth encounter seminar back in the day. And at the time, I'm sure that either of us would have said we'd be there for the other. But I didn't call him when I was going through my divorce. I didn't call him when I was dating again, and I didn't get in touch with him when I got re-married.
In short, I guess there was just a superficial sense of intimacy. I mean, I guess, at the time the friendship was real (and some of the others that I spent time with there, it WAS more of a 'real' thing-meaning I feel like I could just start talking to them after 10 years and pick right back up where we left off (or maybe not, not sure-and haven't had occasion to test that theory yet).
I guess this is just my long-winded way of saying I don't really like funerals or viewings (because I don't). And that I'm probably not going to go to Dan's tonight (no probably about it, I'm not...even though some small part of me feels 'obligated' because I opened the email telling me of his passing).
I find funerals/viewings to be very emotionally taxing for me (and forcing a sometimes uncomfortable introspection that I really don't want to deal with presently) and I usually only want to give that much of myself to close friends or family, (and in some cases, family of close friends). Selfish? Maybe. But I know what would happen if I went....I'd see some of these people that I called 'friends' 10 years ago (but haven't talked to since)...we'd talk about what we remembered of Dan. We'd talk about how we were doing now. There would be a glossing over of the past 10 years to catch us all up to speed and we'd talk about how sad it was that it took the passing of a friend to bring us back in touch with each other, but gosh, it was good to talk to/see you again, and then for the next couple of months, there would be the cursory effort to stay in touch and then *blip*-back to the void of non-contact.
And that just rings hollow, I guess. It feels fake to me. And I've got enough things going on right now that need my full attention...I don't have the time or energy to pretend right now.
If that makes me a dick, then so be it. My sympathies go to Dan's friends and family. But that's about as much as I have to give to it at the moment. And Dan, if you've made your way to Heaven, I'm sure the last thing on your mind right now is whether or not someone you sorta knew that you haven't talked to in 10 years came to pay his respects at your passing.
Speaking of heaven...I had a few FB epiphanies while I was on my week-long 'staycation.' The first being that 90% percent of the 'games' on facebook were DIRECT descendants of Dungeons and Dragons, only this time, it was the computer rolling the 20 sided die. The second was that while you engaged with your FB 'friends' in these games...ALL of them were solitairy endeavors. Even though there was real-time chat, etc. in the games...every single one of them occurred with one person in front of their computer while I was in front of mine. WTF is 'social' about that?
All of this came about because I had a list of things I wanted to work on during my week 'off' and I only got about 1/2-way down my list. And the main time suck, I found was Facebook. Don't get me wrong, I had fun in a mindless sort of 'click here to pick strawberries' kind of way, but in the end, it wasn't getting me closer to acheiving any of my dreams.
So, I wiped all the apps from my FB account. Mafia Wars, Street Racer, Pillow Town, Farm Fight...all that isht. Gone. Send a Drink...gone. Squirt gun battle....gone. Don't need it. May eventually reload them, but for now, gone. If you're here from FB -don't take offense. I'm not dissing you by not accepting your drink....I'm just saying, lets get together, have a cookout, and crack a real beer. If we're gonna play bastard-Yahtzee (aka Farkle), let's just play the real thing, mmmkay?
The other thing is, I realized how many stolen minutes there were during my day (my work day) that were going to those things. And I gotta tell you...after being here 11 years, I'm not gonna get my lardarse fired because I just had to water my crops! Ain't gonna happen.
Speaking of my crops...I've been taking more photos lately with the new (to me) Nikon and have to say that I'm loving it. As I pulled in to work today I thought, 'wow...how cool would it be to wake up and my job for the day was to go get photos in Fiji for National Geographic?'
This is kind of a new (not so new) thing for me. For years, my dreams have been centered around making movies (and for years before that it was around making music) for a living. Now I'm digging photos (again..I never really went away from taking pictures or loving to capture things on 'film'...a moment in time, if you will).
So...what would incorporate all 3? I mean, I think I'm a mediocre musician (albeit a prolific as fudge lyricist)...a better than average filmmaker...and I think I have a really good 'eye' for photos (which I think also helped with the movie making). Yeah. I'm not sure where that leaves me, but that's what I'm wrasslin' with in my head these days.
And with that, I go back to the job that pays the bills (and since I'm not getting paid to blog, this is where this post ends).
peace out, yo.
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