4.02.2013

Dead Unicorns

So, here's the thing. Yes...I have a very positive persona on Facebook. It's intentional. When I deleted my Facebook account last summer it was because I was getting caught up in some very deep addiction shit on FB. It's not a story want to really go in to right now, but the point is, when I came back I did so with the intention of focusing on the positive aspects in my life. No matter how shitty things were (are), there are still things to be thankful for. And that's really what I wanted to focus on. There are a thousand other walls on Facebook to get the bad news. Am I against animal cruelty? Yes. Are you going to see some disgusting picture of a beaten animal on my FB wall to prove that fact? Fuck no. I'm not about shock and awe.

It's about rainbows and unicorn farts. Positivity and inspiration. Struggles and successes on my weight loss journey. Sprinkles of humor and enough pain to let you know I'm a real person.

That's kind of the point. I don't want to you go to my FB wall to feel bad about what's going on in my life. Or to help me fix things. Don't get me wrong. I value your help (when I ask). But I want my facebook wall to be a place where my friends can go and get a smile. A place that redirects them to think about the blessings in their own lives. That's the point.

So...yeah. I struggle. This divorce (or dissolution or whatever the hell it's going to wind up being) is harder in some ways than the first one. During my first divorce, my wife left me. I didn't have to move. It was rather easy in that sense. I didn't have to go through my life with a microscope and put things in boxes because I 'might want them someday' only to later throw them away because I really didn't have the space in my 'cute' apartment (btw....'cute' in realtor-ese is 'small as fuck, but you'll live').

There are things about this round of marriage ending tribulations that I'm having a hard time with. The being alone thing is a really big one.

I didn't spend enough time alone after the first marriage ended. I know that now. I wasn't comfortable fulling living with myself. My identity always has had a +1 component to it. For comfort, I suppose.

Well played, life. I'm uncomfortable as fuck now. I'm strongly fighting the urge to run in to another relationship. Oh, sure. I know the paperwork hasn't been filed. But there is no mistake. The marriage is over. If she came back to me tomorrow and said she wanted to get back together my answer would be no.

It's clear to me now that she is not the woman I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with. Honestly, I'm not sure there is A woman. The reason I was never able to see the face of my life-long companion in my dreams is either because I haven't met them...or, simply, they don't exist. And I'm ok with that.

Mostly.

It's weird looking in a fridge and thinking 'damn...that's a shit ton of food for one person.

One Person.

Single.

Definitely a transition.

Cheers, my friends.

 

-A.T.

 

No comments:

In the Raw

*Note: This will make more sense after you read the guest post on the Books By Violet Blog. Hang tight until then my regular readers.  Fo...