8.07.2013

Manifestations...or Infestation or Something Like That

I don't enjoy being in pain. Well...I mean sometimes it's ok in a Marquis sort of way. But this is not one of those times. 68 days ago (oh how much better the segue would have been had I written the opener tomorrow, but alas I'm up now...and writing...so we go with it)...yes...68 Days ago or there abouts, I did the Warrior Dash. It was on my fukkitList as something I wanted to accomplish. At this point in my life, it represents the pinnacle in physical achievement. And I thought that after doing kickboxing and Hap Ki Do 3 times a week each (6-8 solid hours of working out a week) that I was ready for it.

I was right, and I was wrong. I completed the course. I did every obstacle, albeit quite slowly. But I finished it. I can cross it off the list. For now. But it was not without price. At the time I did the dash I weighed nearly 20lbs less than my current weight. Yeah. I've put some of the weight back on. Because...well..I jacked up my knee doing the Warrior Dash. I sprained my MCL. And as that was healing, I tried to adjust my eating back to my pre-workout portions, but somehow that didn't quite work. A couple of weeks ago, I thought my knee was healed to the point where I could at least attempt to get back in to kickboxing. Again, not full bore, but ease myself back in. I make it through the 1 hour class, but I think that being overly sensitive to my knee but still wanting to get a good upper body workout in resulted in my jacking up my shoulder/back. And for the last 2-3 weeks now I've been fighting a pinched nerve in my back (well, lower neck-shoulder area that's radiating down my entire right arm).

And it sucks.

I'm not a big fan of pain anyway (vaguely alluded to kinks aside), but this shit is ridiculous. It's nearly constant. I can see it creeping in to and affecting other areas of my life, too. And that's not good.

I go in to see my doc today and hopefully get some more muscle relaxers (those helped for the 3 days I was on them) as well as an MRI to make sure something isn't seriously jacked up. In short...I want this fucking pain to go away.

The rub of it is this...I'm willing to bet that at least a small portion of this pain is also psycho-somatic. Maybe it's where I'm burying the stress of going through this dissolution. Because...honestly-I don't feel stressed about it. I know I should probably feel some stress about it, but at the moment, I don't. It's actually going better than I could have hoped for. For the simple reason that there is no contact. Don't get me wrong...I don't hate my ex-wife (pending legalese aside, she's my ex- now, I don't give a shit if the paperwork has gone through or not, in my mind we're no longer married). No. I don't hate her. To be perfectly honest, I don't even know her anymore. I speculate that she could say the same of me. And that's fine. That's pretty much the main reason we're no longer together. We grew apart. Different hopes and dreams that didn't leave room for the other person. When your dreams of the future don't have a place in them for your current partner, you're with the wrong partner. Pure point blank.

But I know until the judge rubber stamps it, that I'm still carrying some of the stress...the latent guilt...the anger...the remorse. All of that is being carried around under the facade of 'hey my life's pretty fucking perfect right now--weeeee!" Sure. My life is really fucking good right now, I'm not going to lie. I'm happier in most areas than I've been in years. But it ain't perfect. There's still some shit to set straight. And once that's set straight, I have a feeling that some of the other latent physical symptoms will fall back in to place too. But I'm hoping the doc can help before that. Because this shoulder/arm bullshit is seriously messing me up.

And now on top of it, I have high blood pressure. I've never had high blood pressure. The ER doc said that could be a result of being in pain (all the fucking time--expletive added). But still...it's ridiculous.

The other part that scares me (and there's that fear thing...fear is the mind killer...but it's creeping in nonetheless)...the part that scares me is the realization that I may not be able to get back in to the Hap Ki Do or kickboxing at the same level as before. And that would suck. It was the perfect outlet for my emotions and physical stress. So...I guess...I need it. And being this long without it has kinda jacked my equilibrium.

I'm probably not going to go back and re-read this post for a while, if ever, because I can already sense that it's a lot of whiny 'I'm in pain and this sucks' kind of bullshit. And I know enough about me to know that when I write that kind of stuff, I'm really just writing it to get it out of my head to make way for other stuff. I don't know how much of a redeeming edge it has...or hell, even how entertaining it is to read. I'm pretty sure this is one of those 'cheaper than therapy' kind of posts. And lucky you, you happened to stumble upon it. Sorry about that.

I'm off to find a heating pad now.

 

Peace Out!

-AT

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