11.03.2013

What is this "easier" you speak of?

This is going to be one of those 'armor comes off, and here's the wounded me speaking the truth as I see it'  kind of posts. Just warning you now. I'm sure I'll get back to my flatulent outlook on life and what not in the near future, but this one has to be expunged from my brain bucket.

Most of you know...I am going through a dissolution. It's like a divorce, only it's supposed to be more civil. As civil as the ending of a 'civil union' can actually be.  Anyway...after 11 years, we came to the mutual decision that the mortgage, splitting the bills, and the occasional hockey tickets were not really worth the misery that was afoot the rest of the year.

So...yeah...it is the best thing for both of us. Well...I don't know. It's the best thing for me. I don't really know if it's the best thing for her since we haven't really talked in years. But that's a story for another post. Anyway...yes....it's the step in the right direction...and it's something that is best for both of us.  And yes, I will be able to get on with my life and be happy.

All of those things are true.

What is not true is that all of those things make this process any easier.

They don't.

Will I be happier? Most assuredly.
Will I move on with my life? No choice in that matter, of course I will.
Will I grieve for an 11 year chapter of my life being unceremoniously closed? You're damn skippy.

I haven't been happy in the marriage for a long time, but that doesn't make this transition easier. It makes it tolerable.

Friends and family helping me through this makes it bearable.

But "easy"? That's a fucking pipe dream.

This all came up in a conversation I had over the weekend about why I stopped watching Breaking Bad. I stopped watching because I could see the series going to some dark places. So I simply stated that I didn't want to get emotionally invested in something that dark while I was dealing with the dark shit in my own life. To which they replied, "what dark shit do you have in your life...I mean, there's the divorce, but...other than that..."

To which I laughed. In my head I heard "other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"

Other than that.

And then I realized something. Because the people that cared for me were rooting for me and supporting me this whole time and because I finally got my head out of my ass and did what was best for me...because of all of that, people think that this should be easy for me.

Yeah...not so much.

I'm not going to lie. I still struggle with the fact that someone who I genuinely thought was my best friend is no longer going to be a part of my life. In any capacity. That's kind of a kick in the teeth.

Because I know it was a long time coming...and because I have such a great network of people to lean on...the pain is less intense. It doesn't make it easier, but it makes it livable.

Day by day.

And after11/25, the chapter will officially be closed.

And with that I head back to housework and photo-editing.

Peace out!!

-A.T.

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