12.01.2013

To Tree or Not to Tree

So...first Christmas alone in...well...ever. Even after the first divorce I had my daughter living with me,  so there was another person in the house. The decision to put up Christmas decorations was an easy one. She was a small child...I wanted to share the joy of the season with her. No brainer.

After this dissolution, though, I'm alone. Don't worry...I'm not lonely...well...not all the time. But there's just me here now.  My daughter is 19 and doesn't live at home anymore.  Christmas eve is always spent at my parents house. And I don't see any presents being opened here on Christmas day (unless of course I decide to get myself something and wrap it all up...but that would be weird).

I have a wreath on the door. That's pretty much for everyone else. Oh sure..I see it when I come and go, but it's mostly out of sight.

I guess my thinking is...I don't want to really be reminded of all the Christmasy things this year...and least not when it's just me here alone. When I'm out around other people, fine. That's cool. But I don't know...I guess I'm just not feeling it right now.

That doesn't mean I don't want my ornaments back that are still over at the ex's house. I absolutely do. I'm just not sure I'm going to put them out this year.

I'm still in the stage where processing certain things still seems weird to me. Not waking up next to someone I (used to) care about...not kissing them good bye or seeing them when  I came home from a hard day at work. And the Christmas decorations are one more thing on that list. One more reminder that in spite of my friends and family and the other wonderful people in my life....at the end of the day, I am living here alone.

That's not a bad thing. Believe me. I know that there are going to be some dark nights of the soul...some serious bouts of introspection and insight. And I'm looking forward to those.

Mostly.

Meh. It is what it is, I suppose.

And you know me.. I could be out somewhere...see a little table top tree and totally flip on the feelings I'm having right now and bring that shit home and go all Ghost of Christmas present on it....never can tell.

But for now, I think we'll just stick with the wreath on the door.

Peace out.
-A.T.

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