2.05.2014

How To Drive Awesomer--Winter Edition

You may recall some of my driving tips way back in the "How To Drive Awesome" post. And I'm pleased to see in my daily commutes that so many of you have taken my lessons to heart. You truly are teh awesomes.

Thing is, it's winter in Ohio. And you know what that means--it's time for some advanced lessons.  Most of these hit me this morning as I was coming in to work.

All of these assume at least some level of Snow Emergency has been declared on the roads. Otherwise you're just driving in cold rain. And lets face it, anyone  can do that.

CAUTION IS FOR PUSSIES
Let's just get this out of the way now (trust me, it will make all of the subsequent lessons go that much smoother).  Braking...turn signals...assured cleared distance? Poppycock. You don't need that shit. All you need is the over-arching desire to get where the hell you're going. And I mean get there FAST.  The more you focus on yourself and you alone, and throw caution to the wind (as well as concern for the other drivers), the better off you will be in your daily commute.


4WD=INVINCIBILITY; AWD=GOD-MODE
In a video game, God-Mode is generally a 'cheat' you can enable meaning nothing can hurt you. It's kind of the same thing driving. Ice? Fuggedaboutit. If you are one of those blessed souls with 4WD (four wheel drive for the rest of you peasants), then you are the KING on the road. I don't care about that "myth" about all 4 tires on ice...screw it. The crappier outside, the better if you have 4WD. If you don't go at least the posted speed limit in bad weather, you're missing out my friend.

And if you have AWD (again for the unfortunates, that's ALL Wheel Drive), you are more than invincible, you are essentially in the real-world equivalent of a God-Mode level on a video game. If by some chance all of your wheels hit ice, accelerate, that will get you past the losers with 2WD and 4WD quicker. After all, everyone knows that all wheels driving are better than just 4 wheels driving.


SALT SPRAY IS A MUST
This technique assumes you are in a 4WD or AWD drive vehicle as it requires you to be going fast enough to develop that slush/road salt plume behind your vehicle as you drive. Bonus points to you if you can do a rapid, multi-lane change  (10X points for each car you splash, 25X points for each car you force to hit their brakes as you do so).


THE ROOF ICE LOVE TAP
This advanced technique requires some planning and is best pulled off by bigger SUVs (bigger is better for this one).  The key is to wait until some snow has actually frozen with a nice ice layer on the roof of your vehicle. You will then need to accelerate such that the frozen debris sails off of your vehicle directly in to vehicles riding your wake. Don't worry if you hit them. In all honestly, it's their fault for trying to be so close to your awesomeness.


THE REAR WINDOW PARADOX
This one requires nerves of steel, but you've got those. Otherwise you wouldn't be out driving in a Level 2 Snow Emergency. Fans of this technique should clear snow from their FRONT  windshield only (preferably using only your wipers) and leave your back window ENTIRELY  covered in snow.  By riding with the rear defroster on, the eventual hope is that you will lodge enough of the frozen crap loose by the time you get to where you're going. This essentially turns in to the Poor Man's Roof Ice Love Trap (because if you weren't poor, you'd have a garage...unless you're smart. In which case you would leave your car parked in front of your garage just so you could practice this maneuver. Damn. You ARE smart).

THE BEER EMERGENCY
So..in a Level 3, only emergency vehicles are technically allowed on the roads. But you're different. you're special. And watching New Girl without at least a 6 of Stella definitely constitutes an emergency. So have at it.


As with any of these advanced techniques, the key is to really be focused on yourself. The other drivers should recognize your awesomeness and adjust themselves accordingly. You really needn't worry about them. You should endeavor to drive as quickly as possible in inclement conditions so you can tweet for the rest of the day how much you hate your job.

Yeah...I know. No need to thank me. Just trying to spread some of teh awesomes to others.

-A.T.

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