5.09.2014

Seeking Comfort

I'm sure there's a name for someone who has serious cognitive dissonance regarding social situations.

I guess I should clarify.  I like to have fun. I know that when I hang out with people and let go I tend to have fun. Therefore it stands to reason that I should want to hang out with people and have fun.

And yet...here's the dissonance--I really have to give my self a pep-talk to get over the hump of actually getting myself in to the social situation in which I can have fun.

So...if you haven't figured it out yet, this may one of those 'this is more than we really wanted to know about you Todd, can't you go back to writing about shitty drivers and farts?'

I suppose so, but I really need to clear this one off the shelf and make a tasty dish with it*.

It's not shyness, exactly. It's more than that really. I'm not sure what it is exactly-if I'm being honest. I have a hard time shutting my brain off and just living in the moment. When I do, believe me, I have a flippin' blast. But it's harder for me than you might think. If you see me cutting loose in a social situation or out with friends laughing and acting a fool, you would have no idea that it generally takes no less than an hour of mental ping ponging back and forth between the reasons I should good....things I would rather do...things that need to be done at home....mistaken beliefs of what people really think about me.

It's fucked up.

Sorry Jack. It just seemed to fit.

So...on the 'things I would rather do' front. I think that falls in to the 'well, if I don't go, it won't suck. And I can live vicariously through someone's facebook pictures and wish from afar that I could be one of the cool kids.

I was never one of the cool kids.

I was/am a geek. A freak. An outsider. You can tell me I'm wrong, but I'm the only one with a direct window in to my headspace, so you're just going to have to trust me on that one.

And I think what it is, is that a lot of my friends have known each other for a long time, and I feel like the outsider. The poser. Like they're just too nice to tell me that they don't really want to hang out with me.  

I know I'm probably way off base on that, but I can't really shut off that line of thinking as easily as you think I should be able to. And if you saw me out, unless you looked really closely, you would never pick up on that side of me.

So..it's comfortable for me to just find something else I need to do instead. Stay late at work (even though no one at work asked or expected me to)...clean *cough* the house...binge watch some series on Netflix.

Comfort.

That's what it's about.  I stayed in a wrecked marriage for years longer than I should have because even though that was very uncomfortable and spirit-sucking, it was still more comfortable than venturing out on my own. That frickin' comfort zone strikes again.

This weekend is pretty huge for me. I'm not going to lie. I'm going up to Put In Bay with a group of people that I consider friends. And it's one of those situations again where they've been friends with each other a lot longer than I've known them. So I'm going to feel a bit like the outsider. But it will be a good weekend. For several reasons.

It's a huuuuuuuuuuuge leap out of my comfort zone. It's someplace I've never been. It's a chance to cut loose and unwind and hopefully strengthen those bonds of friendship.

One thing you need to know about me. I make friends fairly quickly. I take a weeee bit longer to actually build deep friendships, if that makes any sense.

Anyway. That's whats up.  I took the social media bullshit off of my phone. The last thing I want is to be constantly posting about how much fun I'm having instead of actually living in the moment. I'll take the laptop in case I want to journal or blog in an intoxicated state (and because I never really know when the mood to write will strike me).  Alright...I need to go finish packing.

Have a great weekend, and happy Mother's Day to my mom and all the other moms out there.

Peace
-A.T.











*Clearing the shelves. So...I recently explained to a friend why I blog and how I see this blog. These posts are not my literary masterpieces. I am blessed and thankful that people enjoy them. I do not see, however, that they will be the works I am remembered for after I'm gone. More like a footnote to my life. I likened it to a chef. I said that sometimes you have to clear some of the ingredients that have been lingering on your shelf and whip something together before you can really get down to the art of cooking a masterpiece.  The shelf in this case, is my brain. The ingredients are the random thoughts that always tend to swim around in my brain. The posts are that dish, where although it might be very delicious, and better than anything you've eaten from my kitchen--is still not the best I am capable of. So...there you have it. 

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