11.15.2014

Effing Entitled

It would appear that I have a habit of not waiting things out long enough.
I worked for a food distributor in the 90's. 6 months after I left, everyone on the team I was on got a $10K bonus.

I ran in to a friend today at Giant Eagle. Her husband was the one that got me the job at a software company in 1998. I stayed there for 14 years before jumping ship and heading to my current position. I found out today that some very lucrative changes happened at the company and everyone there got taken care of.

I had a flash...a millisecond really of.., "What the fuck?!" Before I looked her in the eye and said, "Good. They needed to take care of the people there."  The people that stayed through the shit times busted their ass to build that company. And they damn sure should have been taken care of.

Am I sad I didn't stay?

Fuck no.

If I had stayed, I would have 16+years under my belt. But I didn't like where my position...my team was heading. I couldn't work with the management team they brought in, and ultimately I could no longer, for my sanity, do that job any more. It was no longer a perfect fit.

The job I am in now is an amazing fit for me. And some of the reason I got the job was everything I learned about Customer Service from the other job.

So...while there was a brief second of 'wow...some extra money would be nice,' I know that, for my own sanity, I made the right decision.

Some might say I deserve a piece of that pie.

Why? Because I worked there for so long? Bullshit. I left. I left for my own reasons. If the owner of that company showed up on my doorstep with a check, telling me it was for all the work I did to get them where they are,  I would politely thank him and ask him to leave. I'm not entitled to shit from them. Nor would I take it.

I can see where some might want to call bullshit on me turning away the money.

Money has a tendency to make things easier for some. It doesn't make them better.   I didn't leave that job because I wasn't getting enough money. I didn't leave the job before that one because of the money.  In both instances, I left the job because I no longer felt appreciated.

I work longer hours at my new job. But they appreciate me. The work I do. I know that I'm an integral part in building something pretty fucking fantastic. And that, to me, is worth more anything I would have received had I stayed.

I am not rich. I am one of the 98%. I live paycheck to paycheck. I hope that will change when I get my book(s) published. But if it doesn't, it doesn't. Point is...did I leave too soon?

No.

The Todd that would sit for days and second guess his timing is no longer in the hizzous. That dude is long fucking gone.

I think that's probably why I ran in to Donna today. Not to have the universe rub in my face that I fucked up by leaving, but that I made the right decision. I stayed true to me. What was best for my (relative) sanity. And in the end, it paid off.  The other reason I ran in to Donna, was because I haven't seen her husband, my friend in ....a shit long time. I miss hanging out with them.  A lot has happened to me since I left. I reached out a couple of times, but it just fell flat. And to be honest, I was ok with it at the time because I didn't want to hear about the old place.

I think that's why I haven't stayed in touch with the people that still work there...I don't want to be reminded of how I felt. Of why I left. And ultimately...I don't give a fuck about it anymore. That is a whole different lifetime for me.

I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that I can walk away from things so easily. And by easily, I mean, it seems like I'm easily walking away from the other person's point of view. Inside I am second guessing the fuck out of everything. It was probably a good two weeks (months) in this new apartment before I finally stopped beating myself up over my marriage failing.  Truth be told, sometimes I still do. But I don't know those people any more. That man..that woman. The two that were married and lived that life for 12 years. I don't really know either one of them anymore.

I didn't really have a point to this. It was just one of those things that I had to get out of my head before it consumed me with doubt and second guessing.

In other news...

We are 15 days in to November. And I haven't done dick for the National Novel Writing Month. I should feel bad, but I don't. I have the novel started. I have the ending. It's the middle fiddly bits that are working themselves out.  I am excited about having Tuesdays off. If I get up and get ready for work, I know my brain is going to do that thing that it does where it floods me with ideas for the book on a week day while I'm working. So...there's that.

That's about all I got for now.

How are things in your world?

-A.T.

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