I had intended to write this post the other day as it was still fresh in my mind. I had some rather well thought out points that I wanted to make, but time, as is oft the case, decided to be short with me and I only got the first part of the post out.
I am currently taking a writing course and there is a raffle prize up for grabs. To be in the running for the prize, I need to write every day.
To be fair, I should be writing every day anyway, but this just caters to the Obliger in me. So, here are. The post that didn't happen is seeing the light of day.
I'm not sure it's a good thing, though. Maybe it is, maybe not. It does tend to fall into the realm of trying to deal with the dreaded Imposter Syndrome that is a constant companion to me and other creative people I know.
And bless your heart, I know you mean well when you tell me that I really need to be proud of what I've accomplished and that I need to embrace the fact that I am a "real writer." I know you say it from a place of love, but I need to ask. If it were as simple as just telling myself and the world those things and that my mind, the twisted synaptic quagmire that it is, would just believe it and I could go on happily writing, don't you think I would have gone that route already?
I have posted many times in this very space about the self-doubt and the issues I have had with embracing my identity as a writer, both as symptoms of Imposter Syndrome. One thing I haven't really touched on that I've been noticing in myself lately is self-minimizing.
It plays out a little bit like this in my head. If this is something you do, too, feel free to sing along. I'm sure you know the words.
WOW. I am super stoked. I just put up my novella (book, poem, etc). This is an awesome moment for me. It's up there on Amazon. I'm a real-life writer now!!
You know, Todd, you probably shouldn't make a big deal about this. I mean they aren't *new* books. Technically they already came out in a box set. And you're kind of nuts if you think that people are going to pay another dollar to get a story they already got just because you threw together a cover for it.
It's *just* a novella. It's not like a real book or anything.
Why am I getting excited about this? My friends are putting out *real* books. It's silly of me to think that anyone will want to read these, or share the links, when there are much better things out there.
Yeah. It's a bit of doubt and self-sabotage.
I get excited that I have *goes over to check KDP* sold 36 copies of both books combined.
(side note: I really am excited. Yesterday that number was 35. Today it's 36).
Does it seem silly? 36 books sold. Maybe. And if I sit to long and think about it, I won't want to say anything.
I'll convince myself that I would be better served saving the excitement and enthusiasm for when the next book hits. THEN I'll be allowed to get really excited.
And there you have it. Some jacked up inner dialog caught on a loop of somewhere, somehow I don't deserve this joy. That I don't deserve to be this excited over $12.60 in royalties.
But I am.
Have I made any bestseller lists?
Am I able to quit my day job and be a full time writer?
Am I going on a national or international book promotion tour?
Am I guest speaker at any panel (or anything) to do with writing?
I add the 'yet' in there because I know I will be. I know that the people that I secretly hope will read and love my books will actually one day do so (and tell me about it). I know that I will be on a best seller list at some point in my life. And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will speak to a group, or even a single person, about my writing and something in that conversation will ignite the spark, set aflame their creative pilot light and their furnace will be up and running, waiting for them to stoke the fires.
I know all of this is going to happen. It's not law of attraction or anything like that. It's just that I've seen it. I just know that it will.
That in itself should be enough to quash the self-minimizing. And yet, it still creeps in. I see it hiding in phrases like "it's no big deal," or "I know it's silly to get excited about this..." or "It's just a ...
The key is to now be on the lookout for it. The more I get an understanding of my patterns of self-sabotage, the more I will be able to fully embrace the me that is here now.
The soon to be bestselling author,
OH...and because I think you'll like these books, you should go over and pick up copies for your Kindle. I'm posting the link to my Amazon Author page because 1--I really like saying "Amazon Author Page" and 2--because you can get both titles there.
And with that, my friends, have a great rest of your evening. I have laundry to put away before hitting the sack.
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