11.29.2018

The Silence Is Worse

I fully prepared for friends to pepper me with the 'Dude, why did you unfriend me?' line of questioning when I deactivated my bookFace account.

What I did not prepare for was a complete lack of response. Of course, my anxiety disorder manifests itself in such a way that I tend to rabbit-hole, a.k.a. overthink, damn near everything.  The meds help on most days. And to be fair they are probably helping right now, because instead of my mind being curled into a ball onto itself over this, I'm left with a thought of Huh, isn't that interesting. No one gives a shit.

And I'm not super upset, but it would be nice to be missed.

Those are the thoughts that ping pong in my head. But then I remember that the Facebook 'feed/wall/whateverinthefucktheyarecallingitthisweek' algorithm sucks dick and most people don't really notice when people that were part of their online life suddenly drop off.

And that's cool.

It truly is. I told like 5 people that I deactivated my account. One of them congratulated me. Two of them completely understood. And the other two couldn't care less.

It's interesting. I have only twice felt the twinge of wanting to check the feed. I'm taking it as a good sign. The good news is that my roommate has promised to send me anything cool (events or otherwise) that I might miss by not being on there. So I've got that going for me.

Nobody has found the blog since I left. Or at least thought to check it. That I was fully expecting. The post detox-jitters haven't started yet. I know those will take another day or two. Luckily I'm having minor outpatient surgery tomorrow and will be largely recovering this weekend. So I don't plan on having time to think about it. And of course there are projects I need to get working on for Christmas presents, so that will keep my mind off of the Feed.

It's all good and I realize that this post really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of  things. But, I needed to get the words out of my head.

Now back to work.

Peace out!
-Todd

2 comments:

Jamie said...

I have a lot of thoughts on everything happening in your last few posts. I'd ramble here, but my wrist is hurting again so I'm going to try to keep it short and sweet.

1.) I noticed a lack of "Todd liking and responding to things." I remembered you talking about stepping away, so assumed you just hadn't seen things. I didn't think to check your page, because I don't really go to people's pages.

2.) I know it's easy to let the Anxiety Voice get to you, but as a fellow anxious person and as fam, I'm going to say: seriously, don't overthink this. Don't think "people don't notice your absence." We do.

I may ramble at you on Marco Polo, because it's easier to word vomit there than here. And again, wrist.

Carma Haley Shoemaker said...

I just wanted to say that I did notice. But I know there are days where (like you said) FB algorithm can keep me from seeing the things I want to see. So, I waited. But then when I noticed you STILL hadn't posted, commented, liked or otherwise, I became concerned and attempted to go to your profile. When I couldn't find it, I immediately contacted you! So trust me. I noticed. I gave you your space but I noticed you were gone.

I hope that you leaving FB gives you whatever it is you need and/or relieves whatever anxiety it has caused. I will still bother you using all other forms of communication. And I do follow your blog.

You'll be missed. I always looked forward to your posts and to getting comments from you but your happiness is more important.

I hope your procedure goes well. I hope you will keep me posted.

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