Jam On It

Yeah. It’s starting up again. I think it’s a summer thing, but I’m just wanting to rawk. As in plug the guitar in and turn the amp to 11. Need a danged BuddhaJam again is what we need. But I don’t see that happening. That was definite time and space kind of thing, both of which have passed.

And I’m not really to the the ‘lead guitarist’ point in my musical journey (and I’m ok if I never get there), I just want to play rhythm guitar and stomp on the effect pedals needlessly and rock out in stupid 3 chord punk rock fashion. 

But being almost 40 and wanting to start a band or be in a band (especially with all the other shite that’s going on) strikes of some kind of lunacy. I have neither the practice space nor the time, nor the temperament to put up with but a handful of other musicians anyway.  So what’s the alternative. Eff if I know. I guess just wait until the house is clear, plug in the Slash Epi, turn isht to 11 and pretend.

Works for me.

Shaking the Mortal Coil and other Tasty Desserts

Got this email yesterday:

Dan M----- passed away this weekend. The cause is yet to be determined. They are currently doing an autopsy. The services are Wednesday at St. ----'s Catholic church in W---ville at 6pm.

Now it's been a long time since I've even talked to Dan. If I saw him in a crowded room, I would probably recognize his face...as someone I once knew, but it might really tax my memory banks to tell ya his name.

To say I don't 'care' that Dan passed away isn't accurate (And it's more callous than I care to be). It's just that I really don't have any emotions about it one way or another. I haven't been in touch with Dan in nearly 10 years. We were part of a self-help/enlightenment/personal-growth encounter seminar back in the day. And at the time, I'm sure that either of us would have said we'd be there for the other. But I didn't call him when I was going through my divorce. I didn't call him when I was dating again, and I didn't get in touch with him when I got re-married.

In short, I guess there was just a superficial sense of intimacy. I mean, I guess, at the time the friendship was real (and some of the others that I spent time with there, it WAS more of a 'real' thing-meaning I feel like I could just start talking to them after 10 years and pick right back up where we left off (or maybe not, not sure-and haven't had occasion to test that theory yet).

I guess this is just my long-winded way of saying I don't really like funerals or viewings (because I don't). And that I'm probably not going to go to Dan's tonight (no probably about it, I'm not...even though some small part of me feels 'obligated' because I opened the email telling me of his passing).

I find funerals/viewings to be very emotionally taxing for me (and forcing a sometimes uncomfortable introspection that I really don't want to deal with presently) and I usually only want to give that much of myself to close friends or family, (and in some cases, family of close friends). Selfish? Maybe. But I know what would happen if I went....I'd see some of these people that I called 'friends' 10 years ago (but haven't talked to since)...we'd talk about what we remembered of Dan. We'd talk about how we were doing now. There would be a glossing over of the past 10 years to catch us all up to speed and we'd talk about how sad it was that it took the passing of a friend to bring us back in touch with each other, but gosh, it was good to talk to/see you again, and then for the next couple of months, there would be the cursory effort to stay in touch and then *blip*-back to the void of non-contact.

And that just rings hollow, I guess. It feels fake to me. And I've got enough things going on right now that need my full attention...I don't have the time or energy to pretend right now.

If that makes me a dick, then so be it. My sympathies go to Dan's friends and family. But that's about as much as I have to give to it at the moment. And Dan, if you've made your way to Heaven, I'm sure the last thing on your mind right now is whether or not someone you sorta knew that you haven't talked to in 10 years came to pay his respects at your passing.

Speaking of heaven...I had a few FB epiphanies while I was on my week-long 'staycation.' The first being that 90% percent of the 'games' on facebook were DIRECT descendants of Dungeons and Dragons, only this time, it was the computer rolling the 20 sided die. The second was that while you engaged with your FB 'friends' in these games...ALL of them were solitairy endeavors. Even though there was real-time chat, etc. in the games...every single one of them occurred with one person in front of their computer while I was in front of mine. WTF is 'social' about that?

All of this came about because I had a list of things I wanted to work on during my week 'off' and I only got about 1/2-way down my list. And the main time suck, I found was Facebook. Don't get me wrong, I had fun in a mindless sort of 'click here to pick strawberries' kind of way, but in the end, it wasn't getting me closer to acheiving any of my dreams.

So, I wiped all the apps from my FB account. Mafia Wars, Street Racer, Pillow Town, Farm Fight...all that isht. Gone. Send a Drink...gone. Squirt gun battle....gone. Don't need it. May eventually reload them, but for now, gone. If you're here from FB -don't take offense. I'm not dissing you by not accepting your drink....I'm just saying, lets get together, have a cookout, and crack a real beer. If we're gonna play bastard-Yahtzee (aka Farkle), let's just play the real thing, mmmkay?

The other thing is, I realized how many stolen minutes there were during my day (my work day) that were going to those things. And I gotta tell you...after being here 11 years, I'm not gonna get my lardarse fired because I just had to water my crops! Ain't gonna happen.

Speaking of my crops...I've been taking more photos lately with the new (to me) Nikon and have to say that I'm loving it. As I pulled in to work today I thought, 'wow...how cool would it be to wake up and my job for the day was to go get photos in Fiji for National Geographic?'

This is kind of a new (not so new) thing for me. For years, my dreams have been centered around making movies (and for years before that it was around making music) for a living. Now I'm digging photos (again..I never really went away from taking pictures or loving to capture things on 'film'...a moment in time, if you will).

So...what would incorporate all 3? I mean, I think I'm a mediocre musician (albeit a prolific as fudge lyricist)...a better than average filmmaker...and I think I have a really good 'eye' for photos (which I think also helped with the movie making). Yeah. I'm not sure where that leaves me, but that's what I'm wrasslin' with in my head these days.

And with that, I go back to the job that pays the bills (and since I'm not getting paid to blog, this is where this post ends).

peace out, yo.


New Blog on the Books

I started a new Photo blog. It's called Todd's Foto Blog and you can find it over here. I figure since I got the Nikon D50, I need to start doing more with the photos I take.


That Was Weird

I just had a dream about DevilCake. And I was in it (as in, in the band again).

It was some festival and we were on the bill as 'DEVIL KATT' ...and the songs listed were songs I didn't know. Further down on the bill was 'SAMARKIND' so I assumed Ian was on the bill twice (don't know if I was part of that band in the dream or not).

Gourley and Ian were the only two other members I interacted with in the dream. I was heading to the trailers to change (this place was massive) and donned a set of dirty orange mechanics coveralls. I said something to Ian about not knowing any of the songs and he just kind of looked at me in that 'oh silly boy...you know this stuff' kind of look he sometimes has.

Gourley was clearly pumped for the show (some things never change, it seems).

And then off to the side I heard "Have fun today, honey." It was Nancy.

And then I woke up. To Nancy telling me to have fun today (honey) at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum (Jen and I are heading up today as a combo birthday present to her, fathers' day present to me).

There was more to it...the Manga style of the flyers....listening to the crowd...hearing the synths in the sound check (apparently Devilcake got their keys back). And feeling that nervous/exicted feeling I would get before shows.

So, what does it all mean?

Eff if I know.

Clearly I have unresolved issues related to Devilcake. I'm not going to deny that. I hated the way it ended (for me) and I hated the rift that it (and other events at that time) caused between me and Ian. And I think Ian and I are to a better place with it now, but I have to say that there are aspects of that time that still make me go 'WTF, mate?' The pain is gone, and I'm not bitter about it (at least I don't think I am). But clearly there's a part of me that misses being on stage and playing gigs. The funny thing is...that realization is hitting me NOW...when I can't foresee any time in the schedule to even BE in a band, let alone play out.

Smell that? That's irony.



Dooood. I know, alright, I know!

I haven't posted in forever. This used to be my playground and now, look at it. Anything over 140 characters finds me stupified.

I have embraced Facebook. There's no doubt about that. The hours that I used to spend coming up with these (self-referentially) brilliant (not to mention modest) posts are now consumed by catching up on goings on from people that may not know me as well as the 5 regular readers of Ye Olde Blogge. Oh, and there's Mafia Wars, Farm Town, and the recently aquired Street Racing and Mob Wars.

I guess what's different is that the interaction is instaneous. If I want to tell people what's on my mind, I do so. And usually 5-10 minutes later, theres some kind of feedback.

It's no secret that I'm all about instant gratification. Give me feedback NOW, dammit! And what's funny is, Blogger used to give that do me (or so it seemed), but not really. And nothing like FB does. Twitter takes that instant feedback and amps it up to a whole new level. And I'm not quite ready for that yet.

I swear I've written this before. Alright, seriously, I'm going to stop apologizing for lack of updates (hit me up on FB if you want the play by play).

Life has been Good. Really Good, actually. So Good that I felt the need to capitalize 'Good' (four times!!).

It's been nearly 11 weeks now since I've stopped taking the happy pill and I have to say that I haven't felt better. I haven't felt this balanced in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNG time (probably 13 years (yeah-do the math-I was on meds for 12 years and never got to feeling quite as good I as used to feel OFF of them, go figure).

So that's a plus. So far no relapse (and there've been a few dodgey moments there where I was thinking that it might be best to go back on them, but I pushed through that and came out better on the other side).

Work (the paying job) has been actually quite nice. I've found that it's actually easier to rise above the bullshit/attitude stuff now that I'm clean. I guess it makes sense. If the pills stop you from getting too low, they can also probably stop you from getting to elevated. So, work's good. I'm getting stuff done, getting back in to my routine.

Church-life is hectic. There's a lot to do...especially to get the Video Ministry where it needs to be in the next year or so. It's basically a full time job (or pretty darn close).

And then there's this other thing that I can't go too far into right now. But suffice to say that it's a step on the path to fulfilling some of my lifetime dreams. Stay tuned. Big changes are afoot in the next year or so.

The family is doing well. Nancy just auditioned for Opera Columbus for the '09/'10 season. Tommy just finished up spring soccer. And Jen's finishing up the school year with hair slightly redder than when she left our house Friday. It looks good and she came home from her mom's with a renewed sense of 'I want to look pretty and be proud of my appearance' She's growin' up.

Personal video projects have taken a back seat (but at least the footage for Crapumentary is captured....baby steps) :-) Realistically I'll find the time in the fall/winter (when we won't be doing family things as often). I'm also delving back in to the photography side more, and may soon be getting a DSLR to elevate that 'hobby' to the next level.

I've also starting writing a book of a spiritual nature. I'm sure it will be every bit as disjointed as 'The Rose' piece that I wrote (but with considerably less 'F-Bombs').

And that's the non-Twitted update as to what's been going on in Toddeus' life.

How about you? How things in your next of the woods?

Alright, back to makin' paper.

Peace outside*.


*Oldie, but goodie

Failing NaNo - 4 Years and Counting

I looked, Dear Readers, and noted that the last time I saw fit to let the words fall from my brain bucket and onto these virtual pages was o...