4.06.2010

Not a Good Place Right Now


I am finding it increasingly difficult to sit around and watch people act in selfish and self-serving ways. The irony of that, is that there are some very selfish impulses that I am, myself, fighting off.

There are times when I just want to pack up and go wandering...with whatever that may bring. Go somewhere...anywhere. See how long I could live off the kindness of strangers and friends. There are flaws, of course...that whole 'married with a family' thing...and a job...and bills--all of those responsibilities that make up my daily life.

So, at what point does sacrificing self for the sake of others cease to become noble and just become a reflection of a sad shadow of what you could have become if you'd only saved some of that love for yourself?

My mind and soul seem to be in a state of flux right now...searching for only God knows what. It's not a very comfortable place to be. What if through the searching I find that I've been doing it wrong? That the path I'm on is NOT really where I'm supposed to be and getting to the right path requires a complete upheaval of everything I know and love?

Luckily these thoughts are fleeting. Reserved for the corners of the night just before I fall in to a deep, dreamless sleep-and seldom make their way to the light of day.

This might be classified as depression. One year off meds-it's very possible that I'm backsliding. But the problem is...it's not that I don't want to do anything (as was the case when I was in my deepest depression-that only a few saw, and fewer still were able to pull me out of), it's that I no longer want to be doing what I'm doing. Like sometimes I wake up and find myself in a Talking Heads song...watching the days go by...

It might be more disturbing if I had not already convinced myself that a)this was a temporary thing, and I'd come to my senses soon enough...and b)I'm sure I'll get some great material out of this. And by 'convinced,' I mean 'mostly convinced.'

The thing is...I just don't know. My daughter has her doubts about the after-life. I myself am having my doubts about the life-after. The life-after my current job. The life-after my kids graduate high school and go to college. The life-after they go to college. The life-after that one day I wake up and realize that I'm nowhere NEAR to the person I wanted to be all those years ago.

Not my normal happy fare, I know. But the thing is...I have to get these thoughts out of my head. If I don't, I'll wind up going nuts. And having almost been there a few times, I can assure that it's no fun.

Please, though, don't worry about me. I've been down this road. I know how to get off of it. I just think I need to ride it out a bit. I think there was something on this road I missed back in 1999/2000 that I'm supposed to pick back up.

Just bear with me a little while longer.

-A.T.

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