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How To Drive Awesome

Now, I don't normally like to give away my secrets. Some of you may or may not know that I was a medical courier for a year and a half in my college aged years.

I actually loved that job. But that's a story for another time. Thing is...there are certain....secrets...you pick up when driving is your job. And driving home tonight in Ohio's wonderful weather schizophrenia, I was thinking that I should share tips on how to drive like a complete bad-ass. Or Awesome Driving 101, if you will.


  • TALK OR TEXT ON YOUR CELL PHONE
    • Distraction is the key to driving awesomely. The more distracted you are, the better your driving experience will be. Afterall, it's a long commute, why shouldn't you take advantage of that time to catch up on your emails on the way in to the office? The worse the weather is, the more you should concentrate on avoiding spelling mistakes.
  • CHANGE LANES WILLY-NILLY
    • There is a subtle art to the lane change. Instead of staying in the lane you know you need to be in as you're driving, you should change lanes as often as possible in order to inch ahead...even if it's only a car length or 2. Why should you care about traffic flow?
  • FORGET ABOUT YOUR TURN SIGNAL
    • Turn signals are only on cars because the government makes car makes put them on there. It's a law or something. But I'm pretty sure it's not a law that you have to use them. As long as you make a couple hesitation feints before changing lanes, you should be fine. The other cars should be paying attention anyway. They'll see you. If you want, you can click your blinker once after you are mostly in your new lane. That way, you'll be ok if Johnny Law is cracking down.
  • RIDE THE ASS END OF THE CAR IN FRONT OF YOU
    • You have someplace important to be. If someone's in your way, the best way to avoid confrontation is to get as close to the other guy's bumper as you can. Eventually they will move away. You can also flash your headlights when you think you're close enough that they'll fill the other person's rearview mirror when you do. If they're foolish enough to brake-check you, pull a Dale#3 on those somebishes and pass them on the inside lane!
  • PASS ON THE RIGHT
    • Everyone knows that the far left lane is the passing lane. It's not the fast lane. It's the Pass Lane (so, you can see how people make that mistake). But here's the thing...if someone's camping in that lane, you have no lane to pass them...so just pass them on the right. Maybe they'll get the hint and clear your lane. Oh...for the record, passing on the right isn't only limited to the far left lane. Pass on the right whenever possible. 
  • ALWAYS BLAME THE OTHER GUY
    • Being such a kick ass driver isn't easy. People will want to blame shit on you, call you names. That's fine...you know it's not true (jealously is an ugly color on most). You're driving rocks. It's up to the rest of the noob's to deal with how awesome your driving is.
  • SPEED UP AS SOON AS SOMEONE WANTS TO PASS YOU
    • You have the right to slow down in your lane if you want (especially if you're checking the email or the tweets). BUT--if some toolshaft tries to pass you, immediately speed up and match or exceed there speed. The phrases "The f**k??" and/or "Oh hell no! Not this time stick family mini van" are acceptable and you are encouraged to use them when in this scenario.
  • FORGET ABOUT YOUR TURN SIGNAL (Advanced Lesson)
    • Better than not using your turn signal is making sure that as you merge on to the highway, you leave it on...for miles and miles. The other drivers will take notice and give you space, not knowing which lane you really want to drive in (the answer:ALL of them).
  • ASSURED CLEARED DISTANCE IS FOR LOSERS
    • See that guy to your left trying to keep a car length and a half between him and the car in front of him? F**k that guy. He's a loser...a whiner worried about 'assured cleared braking distance.' Look at all that road he's wasting. You really owe it to yourself (And the good of the other drivers) to force your way in to that space and user up that road, yo!  You can combine this with either Turn Signal lesson.
  • WEAVE AND BOB
    • Whenever possible, you should weave from side to side. This gives you a better sense on how wide the lanes are. Don't worry if you go over the lines, the other lanes are as big as yours, there's always room for part of your car in there. It all works out.
  • PRECIPITATION KILLS
    • Ohio has many weather changes. If it's raining in the winter, you should assume every wet spot on the road is black ice and drive accordingly. The more moisture (rain, snow, cloudy days, tribbles) in the air, the more you should combine the above lessons.
Hopefully with those tips, you can be a more awesome driver this wintery season!!

-AT

Comments

Unknown said…
This is seriously awesome. I'm definitely going to take driving lessons from you.

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