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Solitary Refinement

Some days I wake up and I don't know where I am. I don't recognize this life I'm living. It's like I'm an amnesia patient watching someone else's life in front of me.

Odd way to start the first post of the new year. I suppose I should be putting some list of resolutions or Top Ten thisses or thats of 2013.  Truth is, 2013 tested the very mettle of my being.  I had to let got of perceptions of who I was. Let go of perceptions of 'relationships' that were likely little more than smoke and mirrors at the end. And acknowledge the fact that yes, I can get hurt, and that's OK.

It's OK to take time for me.

I've been in my 'new life' for 10 months now. I'm not used to it yet.  There are times when, in a crowd of people, I feel alone. But that's nothing to do with the new life. I've always had that issue.

I almost didn't go out last night. I had steeled myself up for weeks, that 'new Todd' was going to get out and live life. And when it came right down to it, all I wanted to do was stay in the apartment...stay home and watch Netflix, eat pizza and drink beer. And then at 12:01, send out the obligatory "Happy New Year!!" texts to the 25 people closest to me and call it a night.

That's not quite how it happened. I did go out. I did go to Jimmy V's and take advantage of the $75-all-you-can-drink-with-free-appetizers special. Although, I have to say they got their money on the margins with me. I drank probably 1/2 and ate 1/4 of what it would have taken me to eat and drink to actually make that a worthwhile deal for me.

How was it?

Weird.

There was drama all up in the hizzous. Stuff I just didn't care for. And I did something I rarely do...I looked someone in the eye and told them I really didn't give a shit about their drama or what people said about them. It was of no concern to me. I was there to have a good time and drink in the new year.

That's fairly epic for me because I'm one of those folks that tends to let people spill out all their emotional vomit on them and seeks ways to make them feel better.

Don't get me wrong. For my friends...the people I care about--I'm here for you--however you need me.

For acquaintances at the bar? Not so much. If I wanted that kind of drama, I'd post about politics on Facebook or something.

Life is too short for the drama.

That was the takeaway for me last night.  I've got too much to do in this lifetime to get wrapped up in all the little dramas.

Lead with love and you can't go wrong.

That's going to be the underlying theme of 2014 for me. Leading with love.

I still, in many ways, feel very out of sorts. I'm trying very hard to separate the Todd that is the true me from the Todd that knows people expect him to be a certain way. And I really don't give a shit what you say..you can say you don't care what people think or expect of you...and that may be true for 'people.'  But we all have one person that can melt us with a look. Lift us with a smile. And sadden us if they even show a hint of sadness or pain. THAT person's opinion of us matters.

I'm rambling.

At least I'm consistent. I'm starting 2014 off the way I ended 2013....with some inane ramblings on the internet of shadows of the shit that goes on inside my head.

There is a purge coming in my life. A physical and mental purge. In the coming weeks I will be paring things down to basics. The things I need to be creative....and the things I enjoy. All the rest will be scrapped. The little knickknacks and bullshits will be tossed. I've found the perfect laptop bag. No need to keep 4 others 'just in case.' Software I'll never load. Computers that are 10 years old. All that shit is out the door. It's taking up space and jamming me up.

Mentally the same thing will be happening. Thoughts, ideals, ideas, mental ramblings. They'll either be recorded or purged. Because really, I have to have a sense of clarity in the coming months. There is a lot at the surface and it's ready to bubble over. And I can't have the ideas flowing over the craggy terrain of thoughts that have long outlived their purpose.

2014 will not start with resolutions.

It will start with a revolution.

The iTod Revolution.

Peace Out,
-A.T.

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