Funny thing happened as I was living my life yesterday--my old life came crashing in.
I fucking hate it when that happens, but turns out this was a good thing.
I was talking to a friend and she uttered the phrase that I wish people would stop uttering (because, truthfully I don't care--but I'll get to that).
"I saw N-- the other day." As though they know this is a bombshell they've just dropped. Why do people do that?
There is only one reply-"Oh? Yeah?"
Story goes that my friend was at a party for someone who also happens to be friends with my ex. I vaguely recognized some of the names since our friends were barely a topic of discussion while we were married.
I guess conversation came around to the divorce (again...why is it anyone's busines?). My friend said 'yeah, the whole thing was really tough on my friend Todd.' And I guess the mutual friend, without missing a beat said something along the lines of "well, it was pretty hard on N-- too."
And I found myself on this call knowing the word that was about to come out of my mouth, not wanting it to, but not doing anything to stop it either.
The conversation went silent. I'm not sure what my friend was expecting, but I'm sure it wasn't that.
I explained that in some small way it was a comfort to me to know that it wasn't easy for her, least of all as easy as she let on (but again, I forget that she's an amazing actress). I was comforted that it was rough for her because it meant that I meant something. That our relationship, when it was good, wasn't just an act. The doubt that I had as to the role she had been playing dissipated.
It allowed me the release to remember the good times fondly and not with the doubt that the whole thing was a ruse. I know now that I did actually mean something to her.
It was a relief, but not one without melancholy. The marriage ended because of mutual neglect. It got to the point where neither of us put in the effort to make it good. Nor, do I think we could have known how even if we wanted to. It's like when someone moves out of a house and no one lives in it--it doesn't take long for nature to reclaim it. The weeds and flora take over and for anyone to get back in there to live again is really quite the chore, and one has to wonder if it's really worth it. The love in our hearts...or at least mine...was kind of like that. I knew there was something there that was good once, but I wasn't sure if it was worth trying to clear out the weeds after a certain point. Nor was I sure that she even wanted me too.
It was fucked up all around. I guess nobody comes out of a divorce unscathed. N--, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I broke the promise I made to you that September morning in 2002.
And I forgive you. This animosity and anger that's been festering in my heart isn't doing my any good. and it's not really meant for you anyway. It's internal. And it's, quite honestly, bullshit.
For the time you came in to my life--you were exactly what I needed. The answer to a prayer. We had some good times. And for a time, I enjoyed traveling life's road by your side. It would seem, that life had other roads for us to travel. I wish you peace and joy on your road.
Now...for my friends who feel compelled to give me 'N-- sighting' reports, please stop. I get it. You think I want to know. I don't. I hope she's doing well. I hope she's moved on and found someone who can make her happier than I could. I don't need to know if and when and where you saw her. Seriously. I don't. I'm not to the point in my life yet where I can talk about her with ease. Things are still healing. So, please, unless I ask--keep it to yourself.
Catharsis is a funny little thing, isn't it?
Please don't worry about me. I'm not sad. I'm finding myself. Who I was meant to be. I realize now that if I had made this journey before I married N--, then perhaps it would have been more fair to both of us. She would have known my true self and would have been better able to make a choice. And perhaps the pain that we all went through would have been abated. Who can say? The What-ifs never do anyone any good anyway.
I can say, though, with a high degree of certainty that the next person I give my heart to will know me as well as I know myself. That's really the point of this journey, isn't it? Know Thyself.
I'll get right on that.
After I go scrub the tub.
Have a great weekend my friends!
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