Skip to main content

Lard Ass

Before I get started...I just have to clear this out of my brain bucket.  Every time someone post "FML" on something, I just kinda wanna scream. FML= Screw My Life or something close to

I get it. We've all been there. Something shitty happens in your life. Say for example, you go in to see the doctor because your wife tells you that she's no longer dealing with your depression and leaving you with the baby if you don't get some help. And in that Dr. visit, doing their routine physical, they find something wrong with your heart. And determine through subsequent tests that you have 6months-tops-to live without heart surgery. Oh. And you're 25.

Certainly that would merit saying 'fuck my life...'

I mean, sure I pulled that example out of my ass, but you get the point. Point is...shitty things happen to all of us.

What frustrates me about the whole "FML" phenom is that it ultimately (in my humble opinion) winds up bringing additional negative energy. Which, in turn, fucks your life up even more.

But to be fair...Life doesn't really care. We are all here to learn something. We are all here to teach something. How we go about those two things are where the whole free will thing comes in. Ultimately it's up to you how to proceed. But sometimes, when I'm tempted to say FML (as I surely would have been in 1997), I instead ask myself, "Am I supposed to learn something from this...or teach something from this?"  Ultimately that puts things in a better light for me.

Alright *pushes soapbox aside*...that's enough of that.

Lard Ass.

A pet project that I might be reviving. You see, I had a doctor once tell me that the reason my wife didn't want to sleep with me was because I was fat. Well, she said 'morbidly obese'  (because the medical term sounds so much better). And that if I were her husband, she wouldn't be attracted to me sexually either.

It was rude. Probably a bit over the line as far as bedside manners go. But it got the ball rolling. I lost 50lbs before my wife and I divorced (and another 15 after). And there was no change from then to well before the doctor dropped that bomb on me. Clearly it was not my girth that was the issue in our marriage. But that's a story for another time.

Speaking of the girth. I was going to make a movie called 'Lard Ass' and chronicle my journeys. It was the impetus behind the whole 'nomorefattodd' things that I did for a good bit.

In November 2011, I weighed 330lbs. In the course of the next 18months through exercise, dietary and nutritional changes, and a regimen of vitamins and supplements, I got down to 265lbs.   I thought I was fit enough to cross something off my bucket list--the Warrior Dash. So I entered it. And finished it. And got hurt somewhere along the way. But I finished it.  By myself. I had friends there, but we never met up. So I crossed the line, hobbling...in agony, but happy and feeling accomplished. Some people I didn't know cheered.

Then I would up straining the muscles in my shoulder and back....and through the course of this found out that I have arthritis in my neck. So....the exercise that I had been doing has fallen to the wayside.

I'm sneaking some of the bad food back in to my dietary rotation. And I've cut back on the vitamins and supplements.

And I'm back up to 315lbs.

Here's the thing that might come as a surprise. I may not look like Hollywood sexy, but I feel sexy as fuck. My esteem is finally being built back up--brick by slow brick. So...when I say I'm resurrecting the whole 'nomorefattodd'/LardAss project, it has nothing to do with my image of myself.

It has to do with the physical limitations. I'm determined to get the weight off and keep it off for the following reasons:

  • I want to live to see my daughter have an amazing family of her own.
  • I want to fly on a commercial airliner without wondering if this is going to be the time I need the seatbelt extender.
  • I want to be able to shop for clothes in normal department stores
  • I want to be able to ride roller coasters again
  • I want to not have to worry about the weight limit of things
  • I want to be able to sit in a plastic chair without worrying if the legs are going to buckle
  • I want to sit in a camping chair and not worry about breaking the frame
Those are just some of the reasons. I don't quite have a formal plan of attack yet, but I know what needs to be done. 

And it's going to happen....FML---fuck my lard!! Or something like that anyway...
         
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Peace out!
-A.T.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Marriage Material??

I had a friend call me today, fuming. I consider myself a good listener on most days. Considering that I was out of town on a work trip and doing absolutely nothing in my hotel room, my listening game was on-point.

She recounted the exchange that sent her off. I will spare you some of the more personal details, but the gist was, at one point, the dude-bro she was talking to flat out told her that she wasn’t marriage material.

Torn between wanting to be a supportive friend and being completely gobsmacked, I felt her frustration. No. That’s not quite right. I didn’t feel the same frustration she felt. I’m approaching what some consider middle age. I’m white. I’m primarily interested in women. Oh, and I have a penis. So...no, I can never truly feel the same frustration she was feeling. Or an anger that comes from the same place her anger came from. No matter how in touch I am witn my feminine side (whatever the fuck that actually means).

Instead, the frustration and anger I was feeling w…

Post Con-Fusion

It's 5:40 AM on a Wednesday. I have been up for an hour. I have an outline for a work in progress that I intended to work on this morning. I was in the middle of a chapter that I started at lunch and had every intention of continuing this morning. But, much like me, it seems the characters wanted to sleep in today. They wanted to just hunker under the covers as the rain danced its hypnotic melody on my roof. The swoosh swoosh swoosh of the ceiling fan keeping time with the rest of the nocturnal orchestra.

So, I shifted gears. I am taking  a course on getting more words on the page. Something that I want to do need to do if I am to get all of these books that are floating around in my head out in to the world. It's not so much that I think the whole world will love and adore them, although I certainly hope that is the case. No, it's more the fact that it's getting crowded up there. I need to get these words on the page for my own sanity as much as anything else.

Sanity,…

The Kindness of Strangers

This post is going to be a little bit all over the place. If you know me, you are probably used to that by now. If you don't know me, welcome. My name is Todd. I'll be your slightly insecure author and docent on this tour of randomness we call Todd's Mind.

I am going to get a little real, and probably a little raw here today. I would normally be terrified of that. Of exposing myself to the world at large. But in looking at the stats for this blog in the 22weeks or so since I've left Facebook, the reality, I'm exposing myself to about 10 of you. Less if some of you come back and re-read some of the posts. So...yeah. Here goes.

I can count on 1 finger the number of times including today where I have run out of gas. Not talking about pulling into the gas station on vapors, but actually having the car die and coast to a stop because that life-giving dead dinosaur juice was no longer in the tank.

One time.

Today.

It's my own fault. I don't like to admit when I&#…