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Dead Fish, Fat Pants, and Fat Heads

My fish died today. It was a betta fish that I had named "Tester." Tester was alive on Saturday when I was at work dealing with all of the fun stuff that had set my weekend askew to begin with.  This seemed like a perfect end to the weekend.

I came in to work this morning and went to feed Tester. Even going so far as to actually put food in. It was a good 3 minutes before I figured out he was actually dead.

That fucking figures.  I tried to give myself the pep talk about perspective, but nope. Wasn't working.

And then I realized that, no matter what role people place me in at work, I was in fact allowed to have a bad day. I was allowed to feel sadness. To react to bullshit with something other than a smile that said 'things are going to be alright.'

I'm not a fucking idiot. I know it's $5 fish. I know it can be replaced. But it wasn't really the fish. It was the routine. It was the surprise moments of joy. It was the ability to just watch Tester for a few minutes and feel calm. Given everything that is going on in our world, I didn't want to post this on Facebook. It's not like losing a dog, or a friend. It's a fucking fish. So I didn't want all of the 'sorry for your loss' posts (not that there would or should be any...did I mention it was a fucking fish?!?!).

Thing is...the loss was not from the death of the fish. The loss was from the joy that having that little bugger in my life brought.   The true loss is from the fact that I did derive so much joy from a $5 fish. It's so odd. A co-worker took the death even harder than I did.

*EDIT*
So...I started the above post Monday. This past Monday. And to be completely honest, I'm sure I had a direction in mind for the post, but I'll be damned if I can remember it now, 6 days later.

If it's any kind of indication of the week I had, I can only remember taking 1 maybe 2 actual lunch breaks at work. The remainder of the week I was scarfing things down on the fly. Things were a bit hectic at work, but 3 years later I still love the job and still believe that I can make a difference--both of which are vital to job satisfaction.

I know that I had put something on here about Fat Pants because I had to break them out this week, but truthfully--I don't really want to talk about that now.

I went to the viewing of a friend Tuesday. I shot his son's Senior Photos and shot his wedding.  I saw my photos on their memory boards at the funeral home. I felt humbled. To know that I had a hand in capturing their memories truly was a blessing to me.

I'm going to go ahead and post this now. It's not as complete as it was in my head when I started writing it last week, but I don't know that I can change that now.

Happy Sunday my friends!

-A.T.

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