Skip to main content

Diffusing the F-Bomb

If you have read more than a few posts on this blog, first off--thank you. I know it's a chore sometimes. And I know that these unchartered, free-flowing waters of my mind aren't always the most navigable. And sincerely, thanks for coming back.

You see, I'm a writer.
And I want you to read my books when I publish them.

I'll come back to why those two sentences are two of the hardest I've ever written in a bit.
But back to the blog.  If you have been here before, you might find that as the years have progressed, my infatuation with a certain four letter word has recently blown up in to a full-on-sell-the-condo-and-move-in-together-in-a-little-starter-home-and-oh-yeah-I'm-allergic-to-cats-is-a-dog-ok kind of thing that Hollywood power-couples envy in their Hollywood PowerCouple hearts.

That's right...the F-Bomb.
At first it was for effect. Could I be edgy? Could I be that guy?  I could...sometimes. Or at least I could get in to that guy's head as I was writing. Much like facebook, a good portion of what's on this blog is a character. And another healthy portion is really me.

Eventually it just became easier. I got lazy.  Why say "when I looked in to her eyes, I found that I no longer had any command of the English language" when I could easily say "wow--she had the kind of eyes that let you know you were f**ked for other women" ?

Both work, I guess. But one is more real-world Todd. And the other is fictional-author-archetype Todd.

Perhaps, that's not the best example, but you get the point. The fact is...it was a good shielding word.

My dad thought that I started using the word in my posts more when I put my weight back on. He wasn't trying to be a dick about it. He likes reading the blog, and the change in tone bothered him. I get it. And I liked his candor about it. There was a time I would have been hurt by it. But these days, that man is one of my closest friends. So, I dug the feedback.

But it's not just when I started putting the weight back on.

The weight started coming back on because I stopped exercising. Summer of 2013. After I got hurt in the Warrior Dash, things started going down hill. That was my first summer as a single man. The divorce wasn't final. Wouldn't be for another 5 or 6 months.

And I was facing the reality of what my life was becoming.

Or rather, I was faced with the reality. Facing it implies I was meeting the challenge. In some respects I was. In others, I was handling it like a whiny punk.  It was quite the mindfu- er...My thoughts reeled in that swirling nothingness that often accompanied a mind in post-coital bliss; void of any logic or reason.

Initial injury to knee....PT...chiro....then through aggravation and repetitive stress, I got arthritis diagnosis in my shoulder/neck. That led to chronic pain. Stenosis in my spine. Bulging disks. And invariably, the surgery I went through 3 weeks to the day of this writing.

I got lazy. Where words once danced in my head, now they shuffled through the cloud of pain that was constantly there. Sometimes below the surface. Sometimes raging like an angst-fueled college kid after a sportsketball match.  But always there.

Thoughts were slower to form. Dropping the proverbial f-bomb was quick and easy and mostly said what I would have said anyway.

It's no excuse.

A pro will always use the tools at their disposal. A master photographer can make art with a cell phone.  A world-class athlete trains with the gear they have. Never do they say, "I can't be the best unless I have the best gear." That's backwards. They get the best gear by being the best. And at that point, the tools enable them to master with ease.

Words are my tools. These pages...my books and stories are my magnum opus. Sure...I can tell a story with the words you give me.

But I am ready again (some would say finally) to use those words that fit me better. The slime of chronic pain is fading with each passing day and I have no doubt that as I have in the past 3 weeks on several occasions, I will continue to wake and face each day.

Time to get to work.

I have worlds to create. And, as Stephen King would say, darlings to kill.

As for those two difficult sentences I mentioned earlier? Hmm. I guess you'll have to come back and see about those, won't you?

-AT

Comments

LuBird said…
But it's such a fun word. I get what you are saying. However, at my age I find my filter is very thin.
Todd S. said…
Oh it's a very fun word. But I just need to do it a little more judiciously...

Popular posts from this blog

Marriage Material??

I had a friend call me today, fuming. I consider myself a good listener on most days. Considering that I was out of town on a work trip and doing absolutely nothing in my hotel room, my listening game was on-point.

She recounted the exchange that sent her off. I will spare you some of the more personal details, but the gist was, at one point, the dude-bro she was talking to flat out told her that she wasn’t marriage material.

Torn between wanting to be a supportive friend and being completely gobsmacked, I felt her frustration. No. That’s not quite right. I didn’t feel the same frustration she felt. I’m approaching what some consider middle age. I’m white. I’m primarily interested in women. Oh, and I have a penis. So...no, I can never truly feel the same frustration she was feeling. Or an anger that comes from the same place her anger came from. No matter how in touch I am witn my feminine side (whatever the fuck that actually means).

Instead, the frustration and anger I was feeling w…

Post Con-Fusion

It's 5:40 AM on a Wednesday. I have been up for an hour. I have an outline for a work in progress that I intended to work on this morning. I was in the middle of a chapter that I started at lunch and had every intention of continuing this morning. But, much like me, it seems the characters wanted to sleep in today. They wanted to just hunker under the covers as the rain danced its hypnotic melody on my roof. The swoosh swoosh swoosh of the ceiling fan keeping time with the rest of the nocturnal orchestra.

So, I shifted gears. I am taking  a course on getting more words on the page. Something that I want to do need to do if I am to get all of these books that are floating around in my head out in to the world. It's not so much that I think the whole world will love and adore them, although I certainly hope that is the case. No, it's more the fact that it's getting crowded up there. I need to get these words on the page for my own sanity as much as anything else.

Sanity,…

The Kindness of Strangers

This post is going to be a little bit all over the place. If you know me, you are probably used to that by now. If you don't know me, welcome. My name is Todd. I'll be your slightly insecure author and docent on this tour of randomness we call Todd's Mind.

I am going to get a little real, and probably a little raw here today. I would normally be terrified of that. Of exposing myself to the world at large. But in looking at the stats for this blog in the 22weeks or so since I've left Facebook, the reality, I'm exposing myself to about 10 of you. Less if some of you come back and re-read some of the posts. So...yeah. Here goes.

I can count on 1 finger the number of times including today where I have run out of gas. Not talking about pulling into the gas station on vapors, but actually having the car die and coast to a stop because that life-giving dead dinosaur juice was no longer in the tank.

One time.

Today.

It's my own fault. I don't like to admit when I&#…