The Silence Is Worse

I fully prepared for friends to pepper me with the 'Dude, why did you unfriend me?' line of questioning when I deactivated my bookFace account.

What I did not prepare for was a complete lack of response. Of course, my anxiety disorder manifests itself in such a way that I tend to rabbit-hole, a.k.a. overthink, damn near everything.  The meds help on most days. And to be fair they are probably helping right now, because instead of my mind being curled into a ball onto itself over this, I'm left with a thought of Huh, isn't that interesting. No one gives a shit.

And I'm not super upset, but it would be nice to be missed.

Those are the thoughts that ping pong in my head. But then I remember that the Facebook 'feed/wall/whateverinthefucktheyarecallingitthisweek' algorithm sucks dick and most people don't really notice when people that were part of their online life suddenly drop off.

And that's cool.

It truly is. I told like 5 people that I deactivated my account. One of them congratulated me. Two of them completely understood. And the other two couldn't care less.

It's interesting. I have only twice felt the twinge of wanting to check the feed. I'm taking it as a good sign. The good news is that my roommate has promised to send me anything cool (events or otherwise) that I might miss by not being on there. So I've got that going for me.

Nobody has found the blog since I left. Or at least thought to check it. That I was fully expecting. The post detox-jitters haven't started yet. I know those will take another day or two. Luckily I'm having minor outpatient surgery tomorrow and will be largely recovering this weekend. So I don't plan on having time to think about it. And of course there are projects I need to get working on for Christmas presents, so that will keep my mind off of the Feed.

It's all good and I realize that this post really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of  things. But, I needed to get the words out of my head.

Now back to work.

Peace out!


Saying Goodbye..and Hello

For some time now I have struggled with an addiction. Well, several in all likelihood. But the one I refer to spefically in this post is the  addiction to Facebook, and to some extent all social media. Facebook is by far the worst, at least for me.

Today I said goodbye, well sort of. I actually just deleted my account without so much as a ‘I’m running away from Facebook for a while to clear my head and take back my life’ post. Even though that’s exactly what I’m doing. I took the app and it’s dumb lumpy cousin, Messenger, off of my phone a couple of weeks ago. I still found myself opening up both in the browser on my phone. So, I didn’t actully cut the cord, I just changed my access. Instead of getting my fix at home in the safety of my bedroom, I had to go see that skeevy guy behind the bowling alley that always smells of stale kimchee and fresh cat piss.

After downloading my entire FB life up to now, I deactivated the account with fanfare. I had a couple of moments of weakness where I almost got back online to see if anyone had said anything or had missed me. I’m still waiting for the inevitable Why did you unfriend me? text or email that will invariably come. Or, maybe it won’t. Maybe my worst fears will be realized and my absence in the online realms won’t cause this big gaping hole. Women and children won’t be screaming because there is no more iTod on their newsfeed. In fact, I suspect that it will take most people quite some time to notice, and even longer to care.

And you know what? That’s OK by me. Thing is, I am striving toward a life of more meaningful interactions in the meat-space. With people I care about.

I just recently watched a documentary on minimalism that my roommate recommended. She says that she repeatedly watches it when she feels like she’s getting too caught up in getting stuff. And I have to say that it had an affirming affect on my decision to abandon the book of face. The last line in the whole thing-the whole thing is amazing and you should watch it- but the last line was the key for me. And it was simply this.

Love people. Use things.

That was the kick in the third eye that I needed to hear. And it’s true. It goes along with what I recently heard Cal Newport say in a podcast. The technology in our lives should be used to facilitate real-life interactions with people. And that we should stop counting online interactions as real. Both of these things hit home and gave a little turbo boost to my decision to ditch the big blue F for good (for now).

Will I go back? God I hope not. I mean, I can say that right now, without a compelling reason, a seriously compelling reason, I can see not going back, period. The last time I quit (and did a full-on account delete), the thing that brought me back was the death of a friend. All of the gatherings around his death were being coordinated via the book of face. And so I found myself sucked back in. And from there it was easy to convince myself that I needed to be there. That it was the only way I could stay connected to certain people.

Which, really, is bullshit.

It is certainly the easiest way. It is by no means the only way.

And that’s the reality, isn’t it? The application has made itself so indispensible in everyone’s lives that to try to remember a time before Facebook is actually hard for a lot of people. They have bought into the myth that seeing a blue thumb on something you post or putting a blue thumb on someone else’s post is the same as having an actual interaction with someone.

It isn’t. It isn’t even close. Because first of, people say and post shit on there that they would generally never do or say in real life in front of as many friends as they have online.

I’m not judging you. You do you, as my BFF is wont to say. But I ask that you do the same, dont’ judge me. Don’t preach to me. Don’t try to talk me into coming back. If I do, it will be on my terms. If I don’t, that’s cool too.

And honestly, if you want to talk about it, why don’t you come over? We’ll have some drinks and some laughs.

If you’re not the kind of person I can share a drink and laugh with, chances are we weren’t really friends anyway, regardless of what facebook tells you.

Anyway, with that-I’m tired. And I’m going to bed. It’s the first night in a long time that I haven’t checked my notifications and facebook feed before bed. And tomorrow will be the first morning in a while where I will get up and checking my online shiznit won’t be a thing.

I’m quite looking forward to both.

Have an awesomesauce day my friends!


OhshitInearlyforgot!  If you are reading this, thank you. It means that somewhere along the way you bookmarked this blog or made a concious effort to find this little slice of heaven I call my bloggy-blog. Anywhoo, thank you. And again, have an amazing day!


The Day After The Day After The Day

It’s 3 in the afternoon on a Sunday and I’m sitting in Starbucks.  According the calendar, I’ve just recently had a birthday. My birthday was on the day after Black Friday. Black Friday is one of the busiest days for my company as I work for a national electronics retailer. It is THE day. That makes today the day after the day after the day. 

As I posted already on Facebook, I feel a sense of gratitude and thanks for everyone that took a few moments out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. 

It truly was a happy birthday. I actually started the birthday on Friday, after work. I hit a local retailer for a few records that were released on Black Friday. And I also went to Target and upgraded a particular piece of tech that I had been wanting to update for quite a little while now. The new tech should hopefully last me a few years. 

I spent my birthday kind of just doing my own thing. I went to an antiques show at the Ohio Fairgrounds. I picked up a typewriter and a camera. Then I had lunch with a couple of friends. I came home and veg’d. My roommate and her daughter made me cupcakes and dinner. It was truly wonderful.

And, as much as it made me smile to see all of the people that wished me a happy birthday on social media...the people that sent me a text made me smile even bigger. I was on the book of face for maybe a total of 30 minutes yesterday. And it was a good day. Today I was on even less than that. I was worried that it might be hard to wean myself off, but the truth is, I don’t think it will at all. I think when I get to that point, I’ll just close shit down, turn off the lights and never look back. And that’s OK. 

I wonder, if I don’t post the link to the blog, how many views I’ll get on this post? Good question. 

Let’s try and see. 

Have a wonderful rest of your day, my friends. 

I’m off now. I have to get home and sync my Scrivener projects so I can keep working on them on my iPad when I’m out and about. 



Giving Thanks

I started to write a post on Facebook for what I was thankful for today. Then something hit me. I could post it there. You would see it (or you wouldn't, depending on where you ranked in Facebook's "You should see this person's post" algorithm). And then it would just fall off. It might pop back up next year or in 3 years as something I remember. Good Lord, if I'm still sucking on FB's teat in 3 years, please fucking shoot me. 

But here, on my blog, I'm free to stretch out, there are no ads to distract me as I type this. My best friend is sitting on the other end of the couch working on her plot to take over the literary world (and later, the literal world). There's a little white-haired, neurotic furball curled up on the middle cushion. My belly is full, and my soul is sated.

Life is good.  Actually, that's not quite true. Life is neither good nor bad, but I am good.

Today I'm thankful for the fact that I got to see my daughter. She has grown into a wonderful young woman.  And my grandfather. Who, at 95 has some amazing stories of his own.  And my parents. And my brother and his family. It was a day of family. And friends who are family. A day that in years prior, I would have to still dial in and do work to ensure that our stores would be ready to open tomorrow morning (Black Friday is one of our busiest days of the year). But this year, someone on my team took that ball and ran with it and there were only a few minor bumps that needed my intervention.

Otherwise, I got to make my White Castle stuffing and my eclair cake. Both of which were received quite well. I brought home an empty stuffing dish and everyone took home some eclair cake.

I'm sitting here and thinking about my life. And they are good thoughts. They are happy thoughts. Things are falling into place. Well, things have been in place for a while, I'm just finally getting to the point where I recognize and appreciate those things for what they are. And that's a damn fine place to be.

It might be a little early in the game to put my "these are my 2019 goals" cards on the table, but I don't want you to be caught off guard.

I'm going to actively work to minimize my social media footprint. It's not helping my quality of life. And the screen-addiction usually winds up making me more miserable. I am ascribing to the philosophy that the technology in our lives should not replace our interactions with other people, but they should facilitate our real-live (meat space) interactions with people.

I want to have people come over for cocktails. I want to hang out with my other author friends and talk shop, or talk shit, whatever the case may be. I want to have jam sessions with my musician friends. And I want to be in a house filled with Love and Laughter. Real. Live. Laughter. I want to cut down on the number of times I type LOL to you because you're going to be in the same room, at the same gathering and you're going to actually hear my goofy ass laugh. Out Loud. And with any luck, it will be infectious and you'll laugh too.

I am thankful that I am to the point in my life where I'm ok with stepping away from my online presence. And the people in my life who care about me won't feel hurt or abandoned, because they will realize that it's not really about them. It's about me. Reclaiming me.

To that end, there will be a day in the near future where I will not show up on your feed. You may do a search on the social media platform of your choice and I won't be there. And soon I'll just be a name that you sort of recognize, but that you can't really remember that much about me. And that's OK. Because if this thing goes the way I hope it will, you won't be looking for me online. It won't be a post from me on your Facebook feed that makes you smile, but rather a letter or postcard or invitation to a swanky gathering at the Gallifrey Annex in your real-life mailbox. Those things will bring the smiles.

I have tried this before, this 'getting Facebook out of my life' thing. And what invariably happens is, someone will see that I'm not on their feed...or they can't find my page or posts and will think I've unfriended them. I'm then left defending my decision not to use this wonderful tool for keeping people connected (which ironically makes people feel more isolated than ever). That's not going to happen. I've come to realize that when it comes to the things in my life that are for my health and well-being, there are actually very few people that I have to give any kind of explanation to.

What I'm saying is, bookmark this blog (CTRL+D for windows users, CMD+D for mac users), reach out and shoot me your snail mail address. If you want to stay in touch and are worried that I don't have a way to reach you or you reach me, then fix the situation. I'll do the same. But I'm done assuming the intent of others based on what they do or do not post on social media. I am done trying to read minds over the ether. If you're upset with me, tell me. If I'm upset with you, I'll do the same. If I haven't told you, then chances are--we're good.  There's a lot going on in my life and the possibility is high that I'm focused 100% on the shit in my own life and not worried about yours at all.

The beauty is, on this day of giving thanks, I'm thankful for that epiphany. I'm thankful for the realization that it's OK for me to keep doing my thing (you just keep doing your thing man, in my best Strongbad voice).

Sure, I'm thankful for the standard stuff, too. Health. Having a roof over my head. Food in the pantry. Clothes on my back. And a job where I feel I'm appreciated and making a difference. I don't take those lightly. I'm thankful for those things every day I wake up above ground.

I'm also thankful for the hard times in my life that got me to this point. Two divorces. Open-heart surgery when I was 25. Not knowing if my premie daughter would make it past the first 48 hours of her life. These, as much as the good things and people in my life, make up the person you see before you. And you will  see me, because we're gonna hang out soon. For reals.

On that note, I need to get off this thing and get ready for bed. I have to be at work at 6AM tomorrow to make sure all 25 of my stores are ready for Black Friday.

I hope you have a wonderful day. And I hope whatever you face today you remember that you can kick ass and prevail.

Alright, I'll talk to you soon my friends.



What Is An ML?

I'm a writer. 

If you know me, or have come to know me in the last few years, you know that I used to have a hard time saying that sentence. Let's be honest here. There are still some days that I say it, but I'm not sure I quite believe it. 

Every year, just to see if I can drive myself completely crazy in 30 days, I participate (yes, willingly) in an event called the National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to see if I can write 50,000 words in a month. The hope is that the words will be A) coherent, and B) presumably part of a book or story that I will then go back and turn into something that I will actually let other people read. 

I've been doing it since 2015. 2015 was a waste. I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Again, some days I don't think I have a clue. 

Something changed in 2016. That was the year I found myself in not one, but two writing groups.

And something crazy happened. I finished my first draft of my first book. 

2016 was the first year that I "won" NaNo. 

This post isn't a how-to. It isn't really supposed to be some kind of inspirational piece, either. 

What it is, is a thank you letter.

You see, if you find yourself attempting NaNo, you will want to find yourself a group. You can find other like minded writers in your region. Each region has someone call a Municipal Leader. And because we writers don't really like full words in real life (just one the page), we call them ML's.

My first (and current) ML is an author by the name of Carma Haley Shoemaker. 

She organizes events...she comes up with ways to keep us motivated.  She's our fearless leader. 

It's odd to have a situation where I can't quite find the words I'm looking for. 

I guess, what I'm trying to say is...Carma, if you're reading this--thank you.

I suspect that sometimes it feels like we don't understand all that you do for us. The hours you plan for the activities we do. The little flourishes that make a write-in memorable. The pep talks. All of it.

I suspect that it's quite a lot like herding cats. Wet, sometimes angry, confused, self-doubting, somewhat self-absorbed cats who forget that they actually do know how to meow. OK...maybe that's just me. Which, is weird. I'm allergic to cats. 

Anyway. Enough about cats. 

Carma--thank you. I appreciate you. I value what you bring to the group. And I am thankful for the time and effort and blood, sweat, and tears that you've given the group, but also the impact it's had on me personally. 

You rock.

Thank you, truly. 

Failing NaNo - 4 Years and Counting

I looked, Dear Readers, and noted that the last time I saw fit to let the words fall from my brain bucket and onto these virtual pages was o...