She recounted the exchange that sent her off. I will spare you some of the more personal details, but the gist was, at one point, the dude-bro she was talking to flat out told her that she wasn’t marriage material.
Torn between wanting to be a supportive friend and being completely gobsmacked, I felt her frustration. No. That’s not quite right. I didn’t feel the same frustration she felt. I’m approaching what some consider middle age. I’m white. I’m primarily interested in women. Oh, and I have a penis. So...no, I can never truly feel the same frustration she was feeling. Or an anger that comes from the same place her anger came from. No matter how in touch I am witn my feminine side (whatever the fuck that actually means).
Instead, the frustration and anger I was feeling was because this complete waste of space had frustrated and angered my friend. And because he had further taken a big dump on any path of progress men could hope to have in quashing the rampant misogyny in our society.
And the phrase that stuck with me was ‘marriage material.’ Marriage fucking material.
What is marriage material?
I’m not even going to dive into the fustercluck of what a marriage is. (Love is love, leave your gender pronouns out of the definition of marriage).
So is marriage material, then,something on the list of things (both tangible and intangible) needed to make a marriage?
Last I checked, you needed 2 willing people with enough money between them to pay to file legal documents in whatever state they were “getting married” in, and the time to stand before a judge and get the official swearing of said marriage.
That’s it. At its core, that’s really all of the material you need for a marriage. Two people and a contract.
But that’s not what this ass-clown said.
He said that my friend was not marriage material. SHE was not marriage material.
He was clearly reading a different blueprint for marriage. A person can’t be a document or the time to assert the vows.
So what was the not so subtle dig here?
That my friend was not worthy of a happily ever after? Don’t even get me started on that...because not all marriages lead to HE--at all.
Was he saying that she wasn’t good enough for him? Bullshit. I’ve never met this dude, but if anything I know my friend is too good for him based on this conversation alone.
What frosts my nards about this kind of exchange is that the issue clearly lies with the dude. There’s some shit he’s got to work through about what he’s looking for in a partner. At its core, with or without the legal document or big fancy church wedding, a marriage is always a partnership. Period.
So, dude’s got some issues.
And he lashes out and puts the shit squarely back onto my friend.
THAT is the dick move.
Men...I’m begging you...pleading with you...kicking your ass in a drinking contest if necessary—whatever it takes to get this message through.
OWN YOUR SHIT.
Seriously. Own it.
If YOU have confusion about something--like how to effectively communicate with someone you are interested in (no matter their gender)...own it. Don’t push that off on someone. If you can’t see yourself in a lifetime partnership with someone and you want to keep it casual (or you want to break it off), then COMMUNICATE and FOLLOW THROUGH.
DO NOT put that shit onto someone else. Nobody has time to shoulder their own shit AND yours. And that goes doubly for most of the women I know. They already have to shoulder enough shit heaped onto them by countless men in their life.
Don’t pile on to that heap.
I can guarantee that there is no woman that deserves to have your insecurities piled on to their own shit in the form of thinly veiled “keeping it real” talk.
And for fuckssakes...if you ignore my previous pleas and pile it on anyway, do NOT call her a crazy bitch when she calls you on your shit. You had that shit coming.